By Javinne J. McCoy
If we are to make an honest commitment to get healthy, clear out the the unhealthy relationship cob webs, break old habits and patterns, experience change, stop reactivating childhood wounds, cease regressing and recapping our family of origin drama and pain, and create healthy, we need to reel it in with the blame game bit. S.T.A.T.
We need to stop blaming ourselves for someone’s mistreatment of us.
How they treated us is about their character. How we handle how they treat us is about our self-esteem.
It not working out with an EUP at best and a narcissist, Jerk, or Jerkette at worst, doesn’t always equal we did something wrong.
Yes, we are responsible for how “our stuff” contributed to the unhealthy dynamic, but we sure as heck aren’t responsible for someone else being cruel to us, using us, trying to control us, or treating us like a burden, once they have conquered the challenge of gaining our trust, for their own self-interest.
It’s time to chill out with charging up our emotional batteries at the Blame Power Plant.
Things not working out doesn’t always equal “I did something wrong”.
Put the low-self-esteem jack hammer down, get off the Over-responsibility Construction Site Inc., and quit hammering you for the fallout of unhealthy relationships!
If we are to step into Real T (Truth) reality, we know darn well that this so called “relationship” didn’t stand a chance under the sun, under the oceans, or under the deep depths of the earth. If it did, you, it and them, would be standing together in a loving mutual relationship, but you’re not.
Let it sink in. I repeat, You know darn well that this “relationship” didn’t stand a chance under the sun, under the ocean, or under the deep depths of the earth. If it did, you, it and them, would be standing together in a loving mutual relationship, but you’re not.
When we step into the ring of life with folk who don’t know how to love us, let alone love themselves, they will jive us around in EUPville.
Let’s not kid ourselves here.
If we get into reality and drink some honest tea (honesty), on some deeper level, we know we know we were making a mountain out of a mole hill of the potential of a “relationship” with them that was never a real relationship from jump.
The “relationship” was a cheap faux Wannabe Relationship because it lacked the ingredients of what a healthy relationship is –love, kindness, care, empathy, mutuality, consistency, and authenticity.
Instead it was false, false, false, and more false.
If it’s over, it’s good the relationship is over.
There is a silver lining. In fact, the lining is not even silver.
If you made a swift exit out of a situation that was belittling the very essence of you, the silver lining has been upgraded to gold.
You just don’t see it now because you are stuck on blaming you.
When we aren’t keeping it real with us, living in alignment with our boundaries, core values, wants, needs, and desires, we recreate and create Breaches of Self, our self-esteem wells go on drought mode, and we’ll give the wrong shady arsed people access into our soul, and they will extract the goodness out of it.
They see these vulnerabilities as extraction points, to get their needs met at all cost, by any means necessary.
Not healing and patching up the Breaches of Self, opens the door for us to do unhealthy sparring with shifty folk in the ring of life.
We will put the unhealthy love gloves on and get to scrapping with unhealthy folk, in power and relationship imbalances, until we KO’d by their mistreatment, neglect, mind games, and unavailability etc.
Likely, our contribution to the unhealthy dynamic stems from our resistance to heal our own wounds (reprogram The Unhealthy Love Template).
We then essentially enter into watered down versions of relationships, missioning tirelessly, to glean self-esteem from problematic people, so that we can feel like whole beings.
If we were to take an honest look at our family history, we may notice that we were surrounded by family members, caregivers, authority figures, who ran away from problems, responsibility, and accountability, at Flash Gordon speeds.
This sets the tone for unhealthy moving forward in our lives and our relationship roles begin to take form.
If we were surrounded by people who avoided their problems and responsibilities, and/or people whom were consumed with their own drama, to the point where it blocked them from nurturing and loving us unconditionally, we can become skilled at lifting Peopleweights in our relationships.
There will be a tendency to take on too much responsibility in our relationships, own the other party’s “part” in things for them, and then blame us when it doesn’t pan out. Not a good idea.
Blame is about absorbing other people’s responsibility, contribution, or lack thereof.
This can leave us open to some pretty malnourished versions of relationships.
We end up hungry, starving, and longing for the bare essentials of human decency from someone- empathy, respect, kindness, care, trustworthiness.
Blaming and shaming us for people who have deficits in showing up for us in our life and relationships creates a skewed perspective of what really went down for things to breakdown.
Additionally when we blame us, we are not considering that we blame us because we feel bad that the other party doesn’t want to do the relationship work with us, so blaming us, is a way of staying connecting and Doing The Relationship Work for Two-yet again (our familiar role of doing all the work in a lop-sided relationship dynamic is revived).
If it was a relationship where you were being controlled, manipulated, mistreated, mislead, losing yourself in someone’s storm of life, and being placed in a double-bind no win situation, by their unwillingness to accept responsibility and take ownership of poor behavior, it was an unhealthy dynamic, and it was never going to work.
The end of a relationship with them is a good thing because it will now open the door for you to have a healthy relationship with you.
No, you didn’t do something wrong (although, it might benefit you to deal with your own unhealthy dependency issues and poor boundary function that enabled the dynamic).
They were involved too.
The difference is you care too much, and they don’t care enough, to even lift a finger, in an effort to make the necessary changes, to find a healthy resolve (keep in mind that if you were coming from a Healthy Love Template, you would have never given them the time of day).
If they don’t want to change that’s fine. They are entitled to not do anything.
However, because you want a real mutual relationship, you by default, need more from someone -and that is okay too. Just stop looking to this person to stump up and give what they are incapable of giving because they are a Taker. If you don’t see them for who they really are you will never break the cycle and will suffer Relationship Burnout.
If the other party is of the EUP, EUP Narc, or Jerk/Jerkette, varietal (found exclusively at The Lack of Empathy Vineyard), it is worthwhile to note, they ARE NOT in any way shape or form sharing your level of remorse, guilt, or regret about things not working out (or if they are it’s the size of a grain of sand and not enough to mean anything significant to bring forth real change).
The reality that they don’t care enough is sure to get under your craw, but remember they are too self-absorbed to even consider how your feelings and the relationship will be impacted when they, make false confessions of love, mistreat you, pop in and out your life so you don’t heal, avoid problems in the relationship, and push you away after reeling you in on false promises and false potential.
They just don’t care enough.
Accept it! Free ya’ self!
Stop blaming you!
Things not working out doesn’t equal you did something wrong.
Sure, you can take ownership of what you contributed to The Dynamic, but NOT EVER, EVER, and NEVER, for their part. Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum.
Hello. It takes two to make a thing go right or wrong. TWO people were involved.
Further more, when someone displays consistent shoddy behaviors that are ingrained in their relationship DNA, like dodging accountability, being passive aggressive, being mean-spirited, and just being a plain old Jerk-it’s time to scoot them out of your life because nothing good will come of it. These folk are delivering bad fruit from the character apple tree and that’s a signal to fold em’ fast. That’s about them and not about you. Don’t make it about you.
You can be miffed that they lack self-awareness and motivation to change and Abracadabra up into A Better Person For You, but then you need to shift perspectives.
When we adopt a more self-supportive perspective, we can assist US in making a cognitive and emotional shift that will strengthen our own emotional backbone.
Remember to expand when someone hurts you and not retract. Become bigger in your life and not smaller.
When we shift perspectives, look at things for what they really are, then we will stop carrying the burden of responsibility, and cease caring too much about folk, who lack the character and internal goods to treat us with kindness, care, empathy, and love.
Things not working out with someone who didn’t provide you with a centimeter of human decency is a darn good thing.
You may not see it now, but it is-If only you BELIEVE.
Moving forward, you can understand your “part” and how you enabled The Dynamic in the relationship for you to grow from the experience (if you stayed despite the signs, sayings, and red flags of a no-go relationship, you need to find out why).
But then, at some point, you’ve got to draw the line.
Know where you begin and end, and be clear about where they begin and end.
If you stop blaming you, you will grow from this experience, you will have a balanced perspective, you won’t become bitter, and you WILL LOVE AGAIN (AFTER YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU HARD-First).
If you are afraid of them moving on and giving Better Relationship to someone else, fret not!
Chances are they will be giving the same janky “relationship” experience to someone else (If they don’t do the work to heal themselves. The same applies to us. If we don’t do the work we will live life on a repeat hamster wheel)
Just be glad they’re not your problem anymore.
They were only a catalyst for you to deal with your own problems.
You didn’t do something wrong.
You did are doing something right by you the moment you decide to stop blaming you for their mess and problems.
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