By Javinne J. McCoy
Within the last few weeks, I have been really “digging deep”. On the Loveantics blog, I often use the phrase “digging deep” to emphasize how important it is to do quality self-recon in order for personal growth to occur in one’s life and relationships.
“Digging deep” occurs when we commit to a process of major self-assessment and self-introspection, look for the lessons hidden in bad experiences (and even the good ones), learn from the lessons, and apply them to a new situation/s in which the same issue will arise in the form of a test. The “test” presents itself as a marker of sorts, to evaluate, if you have truly learned your lesson/s. When the lesson is learned, you pass the test. This gives us a breakthrough in that particular area.
What I have started to realize is that, it can be very difficult to shift your perspective about relationships and life in general when your life portrait has been colored by the dark hues of experiencing a disproportionate amount of disappointment throughout your life. We are talking major heartbreak and experiencing MUCHO loss in life.
For example, you loved him or her with your whole heart but they didn’t love you back; it has happened again for the fourth or fifth time. Yikes! Or, you are constantly in situations (relationship wise or even professionally) where you are never valued and get less than what you really deserve, no matter how hard you try to rise above the “mess.
And the list goes on…………………………
When you have compounded back to back experiences that are less than desirable (a politically correct way of saying “suck”), it can be difficult to exercise the mental muscles of optimism and spiritual muscles of hope. After all, nothing is working out anyway, right? Why should you believe? Wrong. You should still believe until you get your breakthrough in that area.
Although the “big ticket items” on your I Must Have This in Life List, may not have worked out right now, at this moment, it doesn’t mean that they won’t- even that failed relationship with the person you still swear is “the love of your life”. It may have failed with them, but you may have another chance, with someone else that is even better (when you are ready for it).
One of the “big ticket” items that we swear life (and even God) owes us is romantic companionship. When we get involved with someone and it doesn’t work out, we have a tendency to go Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. The drama ensues. You beg the person to stay. They promise to treat you better but never rise to the occasion (when you know and they know that they are incapable of treating you better because they have E.U.P. stamped across their darn forehead).
Eventually, when you do accept that your emotionally unavailable beau cannot give you a healthy relationship (which you deserve), you may decide to walk away, by this time, you are in pain, and probably sniffling into a box of Kleenex. Welcome, to the breakup phase of a relationship. If you were shacked up with a bonafide E.U.P or a narcissistic boob, the relationship was likely unhealthy, and the pain will be a trifle worse than experiencing a healthier kind of breakup.
So how do you make it through? You need to turn the bad experience around so it is to your benefit.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of What is your Positive Slant? How to See Your Breakup as a Breakthrough, which will cover how to turn your bad relationship experiences into breakthrough experiences.
Please share your thoughts, comments, and stories. Do you have a topic or a question on emotionally unavailable relationships that you would like addressed on the L.A. Blog? Please feel free to email: firstname.lastname@example.org