By Javinne J. McCoy
Okay, now for the “how to” part of breaking it off with an E.U.P. I know it took a while to get here but I had to lay a foundation first. This is the treatment plan part where I will offer suggestions, on a plan of action, to facilitate breaking up with an emotionally unavailable partner (E.U.P).
(If you need to recap by revisiting parts 1 & 2 of this series please click here: a) What is The Best Way to Breakup with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner (E.U.P) Part 1? and b) What is The Best Way to Breakup with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner (E.U.P) Part 2?) Remember this particular treatment plan addresses the concerns of Yamkei, a reader who emailed me about a particular E.U.P situation she was having. She essentially wanted to know the best way to breakup with an E.U.P. The best way to breakup with an emotionally unavailable partner is to ultimately choose your healing and freedom, over the pain, drama, and sorrow. The E.U.P Breakup Treatment Plan ™ can be a start.
E.U.P Breakup Treatment Plan ™ (based on Yamkei’s situation- you can insert yours to personalize the plan):
Part A- Priorities (what they need to be based on the given information and the REAL truth):
1) Your number one priority should be to create some space between YOU and HIM by creating some boundaries– If he doesn’t want the “emotional” connection with you then you must cut off his supply of attention and affection. It is either all of you or NONE of you. Your emotions and heart are not up to be bargaining chips at the relationship casino.
2) Cutting of the privilege of being in your company. No more lunch dates with him and being “a puppy waiting for her masters call”-He is a grown ass man. Let him order take-out out food, or go out to eat by himself. You are not his emotional pin cushion or in ice cream vendor that he can use when he wants a different flavor of the month (you are the “intellectual” flavor of the month and the other girl he has, is his “emotional” flavor of the month-he is playing both of you). You are not that lonely and desperate (and if you are it is okay, it takes a LONG time to learn to get comfortable in your own skin, enjoy your own company, and discover The Lover Within (TLW). As you do the internal work on you it will become easier). I am still learning myself that it gets easier. Give yourself a chance.
3) Take the focus OFF of HIM and bringing it back to you– He really doesn’t sound like that great of a catch from what you have described. It sounds like you may be a bit seduced by the idea that you can get him to change and be something that he is clearly not capable of being or doing (which is not about love but about control). You probably don’t mean to consciously control. However, this will happen by default if you keep on insisting he should be something to you that he is clearly not able to be, pushing for the kind of relationship you want, forcing him to care for you (when he doesn’t seem to care enough to do a dang thang about the situation and see the benefit of change for himself).
Ask yourself, why you want him to change so bad? Why can’t you accept him the way he is? I will tell you why. It is because you know you deserve better (and you do). You just WILL NOT be able to get it from him. You will waste precious time hoping and praying for him to change, while he uses up your energy for his own gain (and then discards you and tosses you away). Don’t develop an Allergy to the Good by persisting to engage in situations that do not reflect your special worth and value as a woman.
4) Know and act like you deserve better– you already acknowledged that you deserve to be treated better and that you don’t like being mistreated by him. Knowing this is important. However, if you continue to tango with him while he steps on your feet and screws up the dance; you are not really showing him (let alone yourself) via your ACTIONS that you actually believe you deserve better. Remember, talk is cheap it is action that speaks. E.U.P’s are masters at NOT having their actions match their words and saying one thing and doing another. If your actions don’t match your own words (i.e. you say you deserve better but still hang around someone who treats you like gum from the bottom of their shoe), you are actually being emotionally unavailable to YOURSELF.
Don’t be like the E.U.P. Grow, do the work, and be different. Don’t be emotionally unavailable too by double-talking and talking a good game about “what you think you deserve”. Know what you deserve and act like it! Take responsibility for creating it and getting away from shady people who don’t know their ass from their elbow (let alone care how you feel). Create better by getting the hell away from someone who mistreats you. End of discussion.
E.U.P Breakup Treatment Plan ™:
Part B- The Plan:
Use The E.U.P Cut Off Principle™:
a) Cut their supply
b) Give no reaction
c) Give No Supply
This part of the treatment plan actually deals with the Plan, or the course of action you will take (when you decide that you are ready to make the change and not a moment sooner-the sooner you do the less long-term pain there will be).
Essentially, you are asking yourself “What am I willing to do to handle this situation? (i.e. a situation like continuing to hang on to and E.U.P)”
Yamkei, you mention that you are torn between whether or not to answer his calls, texts, or emails. Well, the obvious answer is NO. No, you shouldn’t continue to engage if you want the pain to stop, and the healing process to begin. You need to take time to disentangle yourself from this E.U.P who from what I see has a dangerous predatory style (after he uses you, he will grow bored and discard you and IT WILL HURT LIKE HECK). You need to cut his supply OFF but ONLY WHEN YOU ARE READY. Use the E.U.P Cut Off Principle™: a) Cut their supply b) Give no reaction c) Give no supply.
Your attentions, affections, and heart are his supply of you. As long as you continue to engage in his emotionally unavailable Loveantics, you are giving him access to use you and exploit you.
The E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory and Breakup Treatment Plan ™, is designed to move you forward into the preparation stage of change (characterized by setting in motion actions, centered around creating a lifestyle of abstinence away from the relationship with an emotionally unavailable man (or woman) – who is the equivalent of an addictive toxic drug) . Yamkei (and all other readers), you and only you, can decide WHEN to cut his supply off. You can do this (when you feel strong enough). Hopefully, it is sooner rather than later-the faster you cut the supply the more you minimize the amount of pain you experience.
Give him no reaction. When he calls, send his tail to voice-mail. When he texts give him no response no matter what he says. Give no reaction. This is about you getting back your power and healing your heart. If you he is of the hound dog type, when you stop reacting to him and cut his supply off he will chase the pants off of you. You might be tempted to feel flattered and maybe a bit powerful but don’t take the bait. It is not flattering to have an emotionally unavailable man chase you, it is dangerous.
Remember, he is a predator and only wants to use you. So whatever he says it is only to get you in a position to get what he wants for the moment (My ex literally swore by God that I was his soul-mate, that he loved me, that he would never leave me, and that I was irreplaceable- and yet continued his selfish and emotionally abusive behavior). Your guy will revert back to his crappy shenanigans after he uses you as a source of supply. Cut the supply!
Give him no supply. If you are having trouble resisting the temptation to respond to him, I suggest downloading a free app to your smart phone called Mr. Number (from the Google Play Store). It has a lot of nifty features like managing who contacts you. In short, the app has a list that you can add numbers to, in order to block phone calls. You can choose to have the phone calls sent straight to voicemail, have your phone automatically hang-up on them without you having to lift a finger, delete their texts without you having to read them (or know that they are texting you) etc.
Also, it also allows you to block all private numbers (if he tries to get slick and call you from random private numbers). I have had a lot of my exes do that in the past thinking that they are being clever. The functionality of Mr. Number is amazing and it is totally free!
Many of times, I have used Mr. Number when the temptation to communicate with someone who was emotionally unavailable and unsafe for me, seemed too overwhelming. It helped give me a little boost. Download Mr. Number and Mr. Number his ass!
When you are ready to really let go, Mr. Number his ass (or her ass)!
This will stop the mixed signals, the pesky confusing texts that they may send, so you can get a peaceful night’s sleep and stop wondering why they can’t love you, appreciate you, and respect you the way you deserve to be. If they are bugging you still, Mr. Number will help you ignore and resist the temptation to engage in their emotionally unavailable shenanigans (unless you like the drama-sometimes we just like the drama as it gives us something to talk about)
E.U.P Breakup Treatment Plan ™:
Part C- Creating Support:
Ladies (and gents), one of the most important things you can do for yourself is to create support for your decision to breakup with an E.U.P and do better for you. Yamkei, you also wrote in your email comment:
“I just discovered from a secretary in our division what kind of person he really is.
He has done what he did to me to a few other women in our department. According to her, he said #1, 2, 3 to those girls, too “
Sounds like this guy really thinks he is some kinda special (NOT!). He is setting fires all over town and he is leaving the villages he sets on fire (in this case the hearts and emotions of all you woman) to burn. Guess what? Now that all of you ladies know the Real-T (Truth) about this guy, my suggestion is that you all go out together and celebrate your freedom from his shadiness- over a nice meal.
Ladies you all need to band together and support one another because you all deserve better. I am not talking about man bashing. I am talking about banning together in strength and celebrating the truth-that you deserve better and have the responsibility to create better, for you (not through getting people to change for you).
There is not enough support when we go through these kinds of shady relationship experiences. Everybody isolates instead of linking together in support. Get out of the isolation. Speak up and talk to each other about it. Develop your voice. The more you expose emotional unavailability and get honest about your relationships, is the less power the emotionally unavailable dynamic will have in your life and relationships.
We need to stick together.
Yamkei, get together with those ladies (outside office hours of course-you’ll want to maintain the professionalism of your organization) and go out, order some dinner, and have a toast. Let one of the Loveantics’ posts that have really inspired you ladies, be the theme of the outing. Do a reading over dinner and celebrate the booting of all E.U.P’s from your lives, hearts, minds, bodies, and souls. Create support with one another. Empower one another! This will help you move forward in your recovery efforts.
In short, The E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory and Breakup Treatment Plan ™ is a step to initiate the process of successfully breaking up with an E.U.P. Remember, it is a process NOT a singular event. You must have a mixture of your own internal motivations to change the quality of your relationships and some external motivations/pressures to move you in the direction of change.
The internal reasons for your change should be knowing your worth and knowing that you deserve better. The external pressure that you can use as motivation is the pain you are faced when you continue to hang on to an E.U.P (for me, the pain alone, was enough for me to finally let go). The more you hang on, the more difficult it will be to heal and change your patterns. Chances are that your E.U.P was probably your number one priority, while you were their temporary option. It is time for you to make YOU a priority, and take them out of your life equation.
Please share your thoughts, comments, and stories. Do you have a topic or a question on emotionally unavailable relationships that you would like addressed on the L.A. Blog? Please feel free to email: email@example.com or comment directly on a post that has inspired and empowered you most.