By Javinne J. McCoy
Remember, in Part 1 of “What is The Best Way to Breakup with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner (E.U.P), we had a reader (Yamkei) that emailed, sharing a situation that she was having with her new guy. She suspects him to be an E.U.P but is having a hard time letting go of, and breaking it off with him. She needed a plan of action, so I decide to use a method of breaking up I created called The E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory and Breakup Treatment Plan ™.
The purpose of this plan is to stir up the strength in you to eventually apply The E.U.P Cut Off Principle™, breakup with an E.U.P, thereby protecting your heart from further torment. Remember The E.U.P Cut Off Principle™ is based on the following three principles:
a) Cut their supply
b) Give no reaction
c) Give No Supply
The purpose of this method is to take back your personal power and stop them from selfishly feeding off of your goodies for their own benefit (while you get NOTHING of substance in return-The typical dynamic of emotionally unavailable relationships). First one should create an assessment of the situation and then a plan of action. Hence, The E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory and Breakup Treatment Plan ™ (anyone can create their own version) that will empower you to cut it off, truly heal, and break free from the cycle of pain (one one condition: when YOU are READY to do the work).
Now for a recap, remember, in the previous post, this was Yamkei’s situation:
“What’s written in 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9 above, describes exactly what I’ve been going through with my new guy since February. He said almost exactly what’s written in #1, 2, 3 when he came to my house for the first time. He said he has an emotional connection with someone else and only wants an intellectual connection with me now as if a healthy person could separate emotional, intellectual and physical intimacies into three clear-cut ways. It feels like he is a prisoner in his own prison and is afraid to come out of the cell, even though, an opportunity for true happiness is out there in the real world. It’s been taking me so long to decide when I’m ready to let go of him…After a month-long (or short) of intense affectionate actions and conversations he quickly reduced me to a lunch companion one afternoon. It’s been like that for the last two months. My emotional pain threshold is reaching to the limit. I know I deserve better. I have so much to offer, but he doesn’t want most of what I want to share with him. Particularly, the emotional connection. Yet I agreed to meet him again today. It’s just for lunch… I said to myself. I really feel like a puppy waiting her master’s call and don’t like to feel and be treated that way. How do I make a breakup? Do I just not answer his email or phone call? I used to write him long letters to express my feelings for him. Maybe he didn’t give a damn. The more I read your articles the more it feels useless to say anything to E.U.P. I still feel like saying something to him, but will he listen?”
Yamkei, now let’s do an E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory and Breakup Treatment Plan ™ based on your situation. (Anyone can use the below as a template to create your own unhealthy relationship treatment plan to empower you to breakup with your E.U.P)
E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory:
Risk: The presenting risks in your situation, Yamkei, are as follows:
a) You’re risking being exploited and used by the new guy
b) You’re risking being an option in his life while you are making him a priority.
c) You’re risking your heart and emotions on someone who explicitly has stated that he wants NO healthy emotional connection with you (not a healthy kind of situation).
d) You are risking wasting a lot of precious time and energy (life is too short honey)
e) You are risking YOU, without considering the emotional consequences while he gets to have you on his terms (which happen to be one-sided and NOT MUTUAL terms-necessary to have a joint relationship).
f) You are risking a broken heart
E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory:
The Truth (a.k.a The Real-T) of the Situation:
a) He only wants the “the intellectual” part of you, not the “emotional” part. He only wants to use you, on his terms, for his selfish benefit- that is what abusers do in abusive relationships to their victims.
b) You are his side chick and he is disrespecting you by flip flapping back and forth between you and some other chick (probably chicks-there is usually always a pool of woman stroking the E.U.P’s ego)
c) According to him, he just wants you for your “intellectual” capacities (which are B.S. if you two have slept together). He is forcing you to star in a low-budget, off-Broadway production of “Please Let Me Use You as My Doormat”. If you are breaking him off a piece of your good-good-goodies in the bedroom (or giving up any emotional or physical part of you without him having to make much effort on his part), you are sending him the message that you don’t mind being used, and that he can get anything that he wants from you with minimal investment.
d) You are looking for something that DOESN’T EXIST in this man (i.e. intimacy, vulnerability, a decent healthy relationship). You are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and the relationship will inevitably fail because you cannot get what you want from what doesn’t exist in your relationship with this guy in the here-and-now present moment.
e) You are not able to deal with this guy’s ambiguity, inability to commit, and inability to accept you for who you are (and you shouldn’t have to). Yamkei, actually, your E.U.P isn’t that ambiguous. He has told you and showed you how things will be if you deal with him-they will be on his terms and one-sided. He proved this by demoting you to his “lunch companion” (I am sure you silently object to his decision because YOU WANT more).
f) You may have to breakup, but your heart breaking in a million little pieces can be prevented, if you stop setting yourself up for more pain by ignoring the information you already have (the emotional pain that comes from dealing with an E.U.P will have you crawling on the ground and bring you to your knees in emotional anguish). He is emotionally unavailable and toying with you. DON’T DO IT! Choose your dignity, your self-respect, and your Lover Within, instead of this, vague, confusing, and poor relationship (where you are working really hard to win his love).
Using Yamkei’s situation as an example, the foundation of The Best Way to Breakup with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner (E.U.P) has been laid. The first step is by creating The E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory™ (you can tailor one to your situation by getting out a piece of paper and writing it up. Just replace Yamkei’s situation with your own).
Its purpose is to assess the risk of continuing to deal with an emotionally unavailable partner by looking at the real truth of the situation based on the information that you have been given (read: trusting your gut). The next post, “What is The Best Way to Breakup with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner (E.U.P) Part 3”, will use the work done above as a spring board, to map out a concrete course of action that will empower you to breakup with your E.U.P.
It is never too late to gain back your power. When you decide you are ready for the change, on your own timetable, you will yield the best results, and bring healing to your life. Be encouraged and empowered!
Please share your thoughts, comments, and stories. Do you have a topic or a question on emotionally unavailable relationships that you would like addressed on the L.A. Blog? Please feel free to email: firstname.lastname@example.org or comment directly on a post that has inspired and empowered you most.