By Javinne J. McCoy
It’s time for another Facts of Life post.
If I were to extract the life themes that have presented themselves in my personal journey within the past 6 months, they would go something like this:
c) being challenged to become emotionally available, feel my feelings fully, and grow (instead of falling apart and regressing into the role of a traumatized version of my Inner Childhood Self)
d) Learning the true definition of unconditional love
Anyone who reads the LA Blog will come to know that I am a firm believer of life throwing tests and lessons our way to facilitate change and growth
If we resist learning the lessons, we get a lovely dose of pain.
Also if we resist, life ups the ante on the tests and lessons, and we may get an amplified version of the pain-the whole “hitting rock bottom” bit comes to mind.
When we are in The Pain Cycle, the pain ends up transforming into compounded pain, due to having to re-experience the same pain over and over again.
Although I have been writing the LA Blog for about 4 years now and have lots of intellectual wisdom and insight with my LA Relationship/Self-help Blogging Self, I still must be tested and tried, to see if all of the intellectual stuff, and what I preach, is registering on the emotional level (the heart level), and not just on the head level.
I still have to be tested to make sure the false-self sheds and my true self emerges.
So ergo, the past 6 months have had tests and patterns flying all up in my life like a whirlwind (tests hitting all major life areas-family, romantic relationships, and career/business). Yippy!
However, my reactions have become markedly different throughout these personal valleys.
I’ve noticed that I’ve stopped falling apart at the seams like a fragile Gazelle of a man, and instead have started to talk to myself more kindly.
It has really become a matter of talking more kindly to my Inner C (inner child) Lil’ Jacen.
Side note: Chuckle. Yes, I gave my inner child a name-my middle name Jacen. That’s the name I used growing up. I use to hate my first name Javinne, so I used Jacen.
However, Jacen came to represent the part of me that was a helpless little boy that life, pain, and sorrow just happened to.
Instead, I now use my first name Javinne because I love it and Javinne represents the grown ass adult version of me who accepts responsibility to create the life and relationships he desires.
However, I still have to acknowledge and take care of all parts of myself, so now, as I step into life’s valleys with all the tests and trials, I have started to say to myself, “Lil’ Jacen, but, it’s gonna be alright”.
Sometimes you just gotta say to yourself and believe “But, it’s gonna be alright.” and show YOU unconditional love.
As I self-reflect on all of these life tests, I’ve noticed that when I have tried to respond to old problems and people with old self-talk, old responses, or old behaviors, it was no longer satisfying.
That’s how I began to see the real truth of the matter- life has been molding me for REAL T (Truth) change.
The Old sh#T stopped working and no longer felt good.
So if you are wondering about how to know if you are on the road to Real T change, you will know you are embarking upon lasting change when you go back to your old rinky dink habits, patterns, and relationships, and they stop feeling good. You also get tired of feeling bad about them feeling bad.
You get so tired that you realize you have nothing to lose by making changes and you decide to take a leap of faith on YOU.
You open the door to become vulnerable with you by accepting the uncertainty of change.
Then, through the uncertainty of it all, you begin to show up for YOU with unconditional love, and talk to yourself (and treat yourself) with care, and respect.
Your self-dialogue changes and you begin to say to yourself,
“Uh, I am not sure where I am headed as I leave the unavailable man or woman alone, leave the unhealthy relationships alone, leave the dysfunction alone, cut the supply and scoot out the Jerk or the Jerkette, and as I stop trying to force unhealthy relationships to work (jamming squares into circular slots), but it’s gonna be alright.”
This is one key step in how you can become an emotionally available person.
A part of being emotionally available is learning to be okay with a certain level of uncertainty and to ensure you treat you kindly throughout this process (you must also ensure you aren’t allowing yourself to be mistreated by people throughout this process).
By doing this you are being vulnerable to you.
By taking this approach, you are also making the choice to show yourself unconditional love through the tough times-not only when things are going well, and you are jumping through life’s happy hoops.
If you love yourself (and treat you kindly) only when things are going well and can’t stand yourself and get all self-destructive when things are not going so well for you, others will mirror that same love you are giving you-conditional love. This will then create a Breach of Self, an open door, to get hooked in and caught out there, by EUPS (Emotionally Unavailable people) .
So let’s really look honestly at this unconditional love for someone thing.
We get the whole unconditional love thing twisted up.
Having unconditional love for someone is not:
“I love you so I can do anything I want; you must accept me and my behavior if you love me.”
This is NOT SO! It is pure lies and fairytales!
People use that jacked up logic to normalize their own mistreat of other people, to justify their poor behavior and jacked up character flaws, so they don’t have to change and grow, and so they can keep things lukewarm on their shady terms.
Instead unconditional love says,
“Through life’s ups and downs I will show up for you and I expect you to show up for me. When times are good or when times are bad. I got your back because I care for and respect you. I hold you in regard because I value you. Also, I believe in you and your best interest.
However, I also love me in that process. That said, if you do hurtful things or engage in behaviors that break me down instead of building me up, I will act in my own best interest and walk away from you, because I love me enough to know that we must treat each other kindly. I also expect you to walk away if I mistreat you because I acknowledge that there needs to be consequences for hurtful shady behavior. PERIOD.”
So in short, by having unconditional love for yourself and another, your actions are conveying to that person and you “But, it’s gonna be alright. I got your back, front and side.”
It’s not, let me sling around hurtful behaviors like
a) let me cheat or push for an open relationship, and create blurry boundaries in our relationship, so I can get away with my mess and have things on my terms
b) let me make false confessions of love and lead you on for the moment
c) let me give you push-me-pull-me love
d) let me put myself on a pedestal in your life as an authority (or let you put me on a pedestal in your life as an authority) to make me feel better about my own inadequacies etc.
e) let me mistreat you repeatedly, engage in trickery, mess with reality, avoid and pretend problems don’t exist, and that my behavior didn’t happen, with my Chronic Avoider Self.
f) let me seduce you with the potential of relationship that actually comes with high-risk for you, greater risk for your emotions, and minimal gains for you in the end.
Unconditional Love is not “you can do anything you want to me at all costs”.
When you have unconditional love, you can love you and somebody else, and at the same time, your self-esteem (and theirs) can remain present and co-exist, in The Building of self, working on full-time duty, and not on vacation somewhere in Aruba.
If you are currently going through many tests and trials or are in a particular life cycle, you need to give YOU unconditional love by treating you kindly and changing your self-talk.
You need to start saying to you “But, it’s gonna be alright.”
If you give you unconditional love, your personal valleys will not destroy you, they will have a shorter duration in time, they will grow your character, and your personal valleys will make you more emotionally available to you.
In turn, you will not accept any less from others and will be less likely to choose people who only have you in their life, on their terms (the Peopleweights), for superficial things like sex, money, social status, or to soothe their own loneliness and super-sized ego.
If you want unconditional love, it starts with you treating you kindly through the rough times.
Don’t be a fair-weather friend to YOU and then expect another person on the outside of you to bring you a level of happiness you can’t even muster up the size of mustard seed of for your own self.
When you are being tested and going through trails and tough times say to yourself, “But, it’s gonna be alright”.
DO this always and watch life open up a level of peace, joy, and love beyond what you know or are experiencing right now.
You have to know and believe that it’s gonna be alright and work in your favor even if it hurts or even when someone hurts you. Remember to expand and not retract!
Be emotionally available to you and show you some unconditional love.
Start right now!
Thoughts? Comments? Stories?
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