By Javinne J. McCoy
Alert! This is going to be a long series so strap on in!
I have been reviewing past articles on the LA Blog as I prepare to hire an editor to fine-tune my content. When I first started the LA Blog, the flavor of a lot of my posts on EUPs and EU relationship dynamics, are very insight oriented and focus on the “Why?” of the EUP.
The “Whys” about their crappy behavior, mistreatment, deception, hidden agendas, secretive behavior, lack of empathy, and other “Whys” like:
-Why they are unavailable to emotionally connect
-Why they will take advantage of you
-Why they swoop in, sweep you up in pseudo-relationship behaviors, and may say things like “I miss you” way too early in the relationship, so you get “hooked” on them, only to withdraw like a clam when you reciprocate your feelings
-Why they hint at future plans with you, yet are only blowing smoke up your ass, and have no intention on following through. (Read: Now-oriented short-term thinkers)
-Why they may pursue you hard “in the beginning” and then fizzle out so quickly-(i.e. Read: fake, whirlwind romances, sprinkled with lies, and fairy tales.
-Why EUPs will move you fast in the relationship, make you think they are the one (or you are the one), and that they want a relationship, but then turn the tables on you and backtrack, after you let your guard down and have begun to open your heart
-Why they may have persuaded you to trust them, encouraged you to not let your fears/insecurities get the best of you , and then betray your trust (at the bat of an eye), after they have accomplished their mission-to exploit you. (Read: manipulation for self-gain)
-Why they may invest so much of their time in the beginning, only to suddenly back off- their heart-line becomes flat (Read: The Grey Zone of Ambivalence)
-Why they feign genuine interest in you
-Why in the beginning they may “love-bomb” you- shower you with attention, affection, compliments, numerous phone calls and texts (within the first few weeks or months), and then go cold as ice and stop (After you are all “sprung” and invested, hunting them down, looking Cray Cray)
This a separate post of itself. It’s called “mirroring”. Many narcissists (an EUP sub-type) do this in the idealization phase of hitting their target. They sing your praises in the beginning-they shower you with adulation, and praise- then it all stops. They begin to withdraw, devalue, and then discard you.
You may think you did something wrong for them to take “it” away-Is it something you said or did? The way you look? Your head spins trying to sort it all out. The answer is absolutely not! They simply mirrored back to you, YOURSELF. Mirroring entails the EUP carefully studying your desires, habits, and behaviors. They then hey reflected back to you the things they deciphered -things you most likely would want to hear (salesmen use this technique to build rapport with clients and sell merchandise). EUP-narcissists use this tool to manipulatively build rapport with potential sources of supply, to get needy folk sold on buying the merchandise of unhealthy love.
Mirroring also entails someone mimicking back to you your own feelings. Their interest is not genuine or real-they are carbon-copying you. They mirror back you things you may have said, things you may want, of things you may feel so that you feel comfortable. This entire process gets your guard to come down and get wide open like a virgin on prom night (When you have not truly aligned with The Lover Within) . After your guard is down, they’ve accomplished their mission -to secure a source of ego supply (i.e. sex, money, a quick fling, attention etc).Then sadly, they will discard you. I digress but more on this in the future….
Anyway, back to the “Whys” that spin in our head about the EUP………….
The “Whys” like:
-Why there is a sudden shift in their feelings and behavior toward you. They are now withholding and withdrawing from you, causing you to wonder what you EFF you did wrong to lose their interest (Afterall, they were up your arse in the beginning. “What happened?” you may wonder. Now before you realize it, you are in The Zone of Over Desire chasing them down for love like they stole something.
-Why they chase you hard, you develop feelings for them, and then they abandon you.
-Why they can lead you on for “the moment” only to use you for-sex, money, a rebound, a time-pass, an ego stroke, or some other selfish motive. Then they drop you, move on, and hit their next target with a swiftness-without a care in the world all La Di Da Di Da.
-Why they don’t seem to care when it ends and can walk away at the drop of a hat, as if you or the relationship did not matter, or even exist (regardless of how brief or long it was)
And then….I realized something…
“Who gives a darn FRICK?”
What a waste of your beautiful mind to over-analyze the dumbass antics of an EUP or any EUP sub-type/variation! (i.e The narcissist, The Playa, The Charlatan, The Romeo)
There is limited benefit in obsessing over “Why” the Eff an EUP did what they did.
They did it because they are an emotionally unavailable broken vessel.
They did it because they were not dealing with and healing their B.S., and as a byproduct, they spread the pain to others and unfortunately to YOU.
They did it because they can do it.
They did it because they were not that bothered about how their actions might hurt someone else (You).
They did it because they had a need (or many needs), for “the moment”, to fulfill, because that’s what EUPs do- they do things only for “the moment”.
They did it because they are of the stoic type- disconnected from their emotions and those of others. Therefore, they can do things on impulse, without thinking, feeling, or really caring enough to show up on the emotionally available playing field in an authentic, healthy, connected, and available way.
…..And wait for it….. they don’t even know this…..
Most importantly they were a teacher of sorts and were providing you with a test and a message.
They did it to show you what parts of your inner spirit and inner being you need to heal, and make peace with, so you can break the cycle of emotional unavailability in your life. Once and for all!
When the EUP reappears in your life (If you let them in your heart and don’t trust your gut) they will cause you pain. However, all is not lost. You can use the pain from their Antics as a test- an opportunity to overcome the pain of unhealthy relationships, transcend it, and finally heal!
Yeah, it’s true…
-they lack empathy
-they mislead you
-they came on strong. Intially showering you with interest and affection (remember false interest and affection), got you hooked, then got cold feet when you let down your guard, and they Bizzounced
-they are a dipstick
-they ran mucho game on you
-they used you for sex
-they used you for a rebound
-they took advantage of your “soft spots”
-they beguiled you like a serpent with their smooth words and falsehood
-they kept secrets, hidden agendas, and vital information from you (because they like to control situations, and people’s perceptions of them)
-they hurt you
-they are emotionally and mentally effed up BIG TIME
-they had a hidden agenda, used you, took your kindness, and crapped on it
-they have no accountability
-they walked away without a care and hurt you (abandonment in its ripest form).
And the list goes on……..
And you know what?
So do they.
They go on……………………..
And so should you!
Instead of avoiding like the EUP (they historically avoid. Avoid. Avoid) , you can choose to “move on” by facing your worst fears, wounds, and hurts-dealing with them and healing them.
Yes, they may go on without remorse, guilt, shame, or feeling the need to make it right and do better with you (and don’t kid yourself probably others have been through the same song and dance with them).
However, knowing all “this and that” about them and their diagnosis still DOES NOT help the most important person-YOU.
You need to realize what is happening in the spiritual/energetic realm, wake up spiritually, and see the EUP as a mere test and teacher- An Angel in Disguise (Credit to Narc expert Melonie Tonia Evans for this concept. I have put my spin on it)
By doing this you can undergo a spiritual upgrade, heal your wounded inner parts, and learn to move out of relationship survival mode to relationship creation mode.
When the EUP keeps reappearing in your energy field like a bad nightmare, it is your inner spirit calling forth another opportunity for you to heal your past wounds and insecurities. You won’t be able to heal it with them or while you are in the relationship with them ( [a] because they don’t have that kind of power. [b] because it’s not their job and [c] because they don’t have enough empathy to “help” you heal-remember EUPs don’t care how you feel-unless they are getting something in return).
Instead, the key to the healing is in going through the pain they WILL cause you (or are about to cause you), and letting them, and it go. Then you must truly look inside for the broken places in your heart that allowed them to gain unauthorized access (we might have attracted this kind of person based on our unhealed wounds. Tough pill!)
I’ve got to keep this thang 100 percent gully-no chaser or soft gloves!
If you keep responding to the EUP in the same way, it will eventually shatter your soul and obliterate your ability to truly love, and trust another. (Sadly, I have seen it happen).
Refuse to let it happen to you!
I know it hurts but they are only your test!
The EUP is a person sending a message. The message is often conveyed through the pain they cause. It can be used as a tool to heal your unhealed parts, your inner identity, and inner child (old traumas, family childhood dysfunction, family of origin issues etc.).
You can face these wounds and heal them. By doing this, you will win this battle once and for all. Winning the battle means finally moving from survival mode in relationships (clinging to an EUP who doesn’t and cant love you-dependency) to creation mode (tapping into The Lover Within, being the partner you want, and manifesting it in the material realm).
This also means you must realize the EUP was never capable of true love to begin with. They can’t love and genuinely care about you. If they could you would not be working so hard for love.
Let’s not kid ourselves by putting the EUP on this grand stand pedestal like they have the greatest love to offer anyone in the world. This is Not SO!
Also, let’s get honest. It is not them you really want or love. It is your wounded, unhealed parts that were triggered by their B.S. When this Reactivation happens, and it doesn’t work with them (no matter how much you tried), you get mad. We also get miffed at the painful experience. We were expecting them to understand our hurts (and on a subconscious level wanted them to help us heal our hurts). That would be nice, but life doesn’t work that way.
You can stay on the “Whys” for a moment if you must but then dig deeper. If you dig deeper and look at unhealed areas that are wounded in your heart, you will begin to see how the EUP got a foothold in your life. If you work on healing these areas you can close up The EUP Shop and won’t be attracted to such shady folk and relationships. As soon as your gut screams EUP, you will want to barf and walk away (not cast your precious pearls among swine).
So it’s time to move away from the “Why” (at least for now so you can be free).
Whilst it’s great to have the insights about “Why” EUPs do the dumb ass ISH they do, it still does nothing to move you forward from Victim to Victor- transcending your pain and healing your inner identity/inner child.
You need to see the EUP as an Angel in Disguise.
They are a Spiritual Teacher of your wounds but NOT the healer of your wounds (they are reflecting back to you what you need to heal in your inner identity).
See them and the disappointment, as a mere test for you to pas, in order to transcend your pain, heal your wounds, and undergo a Spiritual Upgrade.
Why am I saying this?
Well, it happened again. I attracted another EUP. Whoomp! Whoomp!
I really allowed myself to get caught out there. This time with a Narc (narcissist) EUP. Every single thing I wrote on the LA Blog came flying into my face- to test me, to try me, to see if I would pass my unhealthy relationship tests and to see if I had grown.
Although I did not get A’s across the board, I would give myself the following scores:
- an”A” for feeling in my gut that this person was no good (it wasn’t just my insecurities in the way clouding my judgement sabotaging things-The dude was really shady. Period.)
- a”C-” for not listening to my gut (I had the feeling but I bypassed it)
- a “D” for choosing to blindly trust an untrustworthy person (my old patters),
- a “D” for believing the hype of when people tell you what you want to hear for the moment (him blowing smoke up arse got into my “soft spots”-my empty internal wells that I was not properly filling up in a healthy way)
- an “A” for not clinging and chasing someone who was not worth the investment of my time, or energy because, he only involved to get a temporary need met for the moment.
This time I decided to stop merely focusing on “Why” he did what he did (I know why. Same Person, different Package. Simple)
He did what he did because he was another hurt human being not dealing with his own ISH. So when that happens, people spread the hurt and continue the cycle of craziness with others.
And for that matter, “Why” he was misleading, smooth talking, came on strong only to fizzle out, future faked, said things to get my guard down (only to take advantage of me), love-bombed me in the beginning, and bum-rushed me with interest and attention making my head spin (only to walk away)……..
DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL…………….
The ”Why” DOESN’T EVEN MATTER because it’s was all a SHAM and NOT REAL.
When you are in the thick of it, it doesn’t help me or you to know “Why” the EUP is acting “so differently” after they got what they wanted from you. That is their mess to deal with. We need to be wise, tap into The Lover within (TLW), and SHOW UP for ourselves even though they may not care about us or may have walked away from us after using us.
“Showing Up” means facing the fears, hurts, and pains that this person Reactivated (To truly, You must face these truths without them in your life, dig deep, and do your soul work).
This is not about letting them off the hook. It is about beating the devil at his own game-deciding to be humble and examining the wounded parts of your inner being (that the EUP tap danced on, and exploited, for their own personal gain, because of their own problems).
My most recent dealings with yet another EUP was a whirlwind bunk ass romance (yes even as much as I know intellectually about EUPs, I attracted another EUP because I am human. Also I still wasn’t digging deep enough to do my soul work).
He was another beguiling dude who was a wolf in sheep’s clothing-in other words inauthentic.
At first, he seemed to be genuine and sincere but when I stepped back, and let it play like a movie, the cards just didn’t stack up. I was dealing with someone who would never be able to provide an emotionally available/healthy relationship (or even at the bare minimum a friendship) because he had a lot of ISH he was avoiding and not dealing with in his own life (but he was a good pretender and actor-like all EUPs are).
I had to give myself a quick shake up and get real- the way we met, and his backstory, is the same song and dance I have done before (in the closet to family, not “out”, not living his truth- very secretive). He was the perfect candidate to run The Hot Pursuit Then Withdraw Routine-and he did it like a champ! He was a Pro!
We didn’t have a shot in hell for a friendship or a relationship (he proved that the way he treated me and handled things).
When I honestly look back on it, it was just lust and loneliness. Also it is important to note that the dude really spit some good game and I soaked it up too easily (because I was not authentically filling up my own empty wells with adequate levels of self-love)- these are all bad combinations.
At first I was baffled. I tried to make excuses. I was blaming me A LOT and then blaming him-recycle and repeat.
Then something happened…..an awakening of sorts. A revelation.…
Either Breakdown (fall apart yet again like a fragile soul) or Breakthrough (face my greatest fears about life and relationships).
I chose to see this as an opportunity to make peace with my unhealed parts and understand that I was simply undergoing a Reactivation of old relationship traumas with the same person in a different package. This person showed up in my life, and energy field, for a brief time period (thank God it was brief), only teach me how to knock the nail in the wood and finally make peace with all of my fears.
He did NOT show up because he was going to give me the respect, true friendship, authentic emotional connection, healthy relationship, honesty, trust, and devotion I deserve. Instead, he showed up in my life because he was a messenger and was providing a test (He had knowledge of the reason for his seasonal appearance in my life. Neither did I, until the whirlwind ended).
He showed up in my life, but not but not for the reasons I thought (i.e an actual chance to build an honest fulfilling friendship/love relationship, an opportunity to have a dating/relationship experience with an emotionally available guy who genuinely liked and cared for me).
Instead, he showed up in my life for me to face the EUP walking away and abandoning me, yet again, but this time without entering the point of no return and clinging, begging, or pleading for them to stay (When someone abandons you, the hidden blessing is that you get to face and heal your fear of abandonment by NOT abandoning YOURSELF eventhough they have walked away. You heal the fear of abandonment by aligning yourself with The Lover Within (TLW). When an EUPs tap into your fear of abandonment (or any fear), take the opposite action-don’t cling, let it go and give up the ghost.
I recognized that this EUP that showed up in my life, was simply a spiritual teacher, and Angel In Disguise, providing me with a test and an opportunity to heal.
I chose to acknowledge this and made the decision not fall apart like a fragile Gazelle of a man.
He showed up in my life for many key reasons.
Here they are:
-He showed up in my life to provide another chance to respond differently when someone abandons you and walks away.
-He showed up in my life to provide another chance for me respond differently to people who lack empathy.
-He showed up in my life to provide another chance for me to respond differently to people who take advantage , use folk for “the moment” , and for their benefit.
-He showed up in my life to provide another chance for me to respond differently when people mislead you.
-He showed up in my life to provide another chance to respond differently when people come on strong, get your guard down, and then withdraw their attention, affection, and feelings after they have got what they wanted.
-He showed up in my life to provide another chance for me to not cling to garbage and crumbs
– He showed up in my life to provide another chance for me to ALWAYS TRUST MY GUT.
-He showed up in my life to provide another chance for me to respond differently to people who are unkind and indifferent toward me
-He showed up in my life to provide another chance for me to HEAL MY OWN INNER IDENTITY and INNER CHILD.
This happens through a process called Reactivation.
This is Reactivation looks like…
The Same Person.
The Same Situation.
The Same Unavailable Pattern but Different Package.
They are Good on Paper but Bad in The Flesh.
Reactivation is an event and/or a person, who when they show up in your life and energy field, brings about a revival of your Unfinished Business (Unhealed Parts- the things you have been ignoring, the hurts you have buried, the deep seated fears about love in the core of your heart).
It is an Unhealthy Relationship Total Recall of sorts.
When another EUP appears in your life consider this- they are on active duty to test you (an Angel in Disguise) to see if you have made peace with the wounded parts of yourself that harnesses all of your deep seated fears and unhealthy relationship patterns (i.e. fears of abandonment, fears of not being loved, fears of not being good enough, patterns of choosing partners who idealize you at first then discard you, patterns of choosing Charlatans who appear as wolves in sheep’s clothing (telling you what you want to hear, only to get something from you for the moment-manipulative, inauthentic, and untrustworthy).
This was the same cycle for me-meeting a broken man (another narcissist this time), in a broken place, and somehow expecting wholeness, authenticity, emotional availability, and something worthwhile from him and the situation.
I fell into the same pattern because I was not truly committed to digging deeper to heal my subconscious unhealed parts.
Instead of approaching things like grown ass adult Javinne (who knows what he deserves and doesn’t cling to unhealthy situations), I approached it with the little child Javinne, in an adult body, who almost got caught way out there, trying to convince someone of my value (this is one aspect of the unhealed parts I am speaking of).
Throughout this entire experience I ignored my inner gut (because I still was not trusting me) and allowed myself to settle for crumby crumb crumbs-when I deserve so much better.
Hopefully you can use my experience as a template to recognize your patterns and avoid pain- that is why I try to be as transparent as possible and share my journey with you on the LA Blog. So you can do better and avoid the mistakes I have made in EUP ville.
Here is a recap of my EUP Reactivation:
He showered me with attention and affection in a relatively short period of time (The Idealization Phase of a narcissist -a major crimson red flag). It is important to note that this entire bum-rush of attention, and so much time spent together so early in the relationship, was only about him idealizing me (living in fantasy land), and then “mirroring” back to me my own typical relationship behaviors-to be attentive, affectionate, caring, and available (way too available in this case). He was of the narcissistic type-they use certain methods to secure new sources of supply to make themselves feel good for the moment. Idealizing a potential source of supply is one of them. Then once they have secured your affections, they will devalue and discard you because that’s what Narcs do.
The kicker is, he was very clear about his tendency to “mirror” other people’s behavior and at one point even stated “I have to be careful because I have a tendency to mirror other people”. I should have been like WTF and ran the other way but I was in La La Land, by choice, for my own reasons. The devil was telling on himself. However, I still chose not to listen and ignored my gut.
Anyway, I realized in essence I was having a relationship with myself (the mirroring and the idealizing created this dynamic). When it ended, I was in a way breaking up with myself-that’s what made it so EFFING confusing. When you are dealing with the narcissistic EUP type who mirrors as a way to bond to a love interest, your head will be spinning from confusion- you have been duped by this manipulation tactic of building false rapport for ulterior motives (a whole other post).
In the early stages (note: the whole thing was swift and quick so I say “early stages” very loosely), I got all the phone calls and texts throughout the day, him saying the “I miss you” bit (within the second week), telling me I am “too amazing” “have such a good spirit and positive energy”-blowing smoke clouds way up my bum. Seeing me quite a bit (driving late at nite to my hood to see me and traversing great mountains to spend time), staying over my house late night etc.
He even went so far as to write our names side-by-side on a note pad and then sent a pic to me of it (My first thoughts were “This is real High School shit and, way too much, and creepy” (this was my gut speaking to me. It knows when someone is getting me suped-up me up for an unhealthy relationship by hooking me with the attention). However knowing all this, I still willing latched on to the attention because I still had empty buckets that I was not filling up with proper self-care and love. Therefore, this left the door wide open for me to soak up the B.S. I convinced myself that he was “so sweet”, really liked me, really cared for me, and that the trepidations I had were only my insecurities getting in the way trying to mess things up for me (it was actually my gut screaming like a banshee “this guy is EUP and a Narc. Run for the hills BISH! Run and protect your heart!”- I didn’t listen) He laid it on thick and encouraged me to take a “risk” with him despite my past hurts (and even accused me of being “guarded” and having my trust “too damaged”, and stated that “the uncomfortable times and conversations are necessary”- I fell for those smooth lines of rubbish).
…. and then…..
…..when it came time to emotionally connect, punked out, betrayed the trust I was (blindly) giving and….
WITHDREW- WITHDREW-and-WITHELD-WITHHELD (the Devalue and Discard Phase). Once I let my guard down and reciprocated, they got what they wanted for “the moment”, and the tables turned.
This was a quick Set The Fire and Run Routine that I know all to well from the past- a Reactivation.
He was in essence a carbon copy of Mr. SMS (Mr. Soulmate Speech-remember him?) but minus the the soulmate speech.
To my unpleasant surprise, I was being re-introduced to a very special flavor of EUP subtype- the Covert-Narc (Narcissist)- a ripe EUP specimen who when makes an appearance in my life, my gut knows the universe is serving up a healthy dose of disappointment and painful lessons ( if I don’t listen to my gut).
Sadly, again I didn’t.
I will go deeper into what exactly a covert-narcissist is in future articles but for now I will focus on how seeing the EUP as an Angel in Disguise- a teacher providing you with some relationship tests- can provide an opportunity to heal your inner self. This happens through what I call the 5 R’s – Reactivation, Regression, Revelation, Reformation, and Renewal .
The next part will further define and explain Reactivation and:
-Explain The Process of Reactivation and how to identify what is happening when you sense “a repeat” of pain about to occur.
-Address questions like: “How Do I Identify the pattern?” “What does the cycle look like?” “What are the behavioral and emotional components of the unhealthy pattern?”
– Understanding the role of “your gut”/intuition when the same thing is about to happen, with same person, but different package
– Summarize what that experience is like and tips on how to pinpoint the cycle of Reactivation (identifying and re-experiencing the specific pattern/person that reappears to test you). In my case, a covert-narcissist was my test. The EUP Narc is a character I have always tried to solve my childhood wounds with to repeated failure-
-Explain how seeing The EUP as An Angel Disguise and a Teacher, will help you heal your inner wounds (if you look for the “WHAT” in you attracted them and “ HOW” you attracted them) instead of the “Why” they may have mistreated you, discarded you, violated your trust, took advantage of you, used you for the moment, lead you on, etc.
It is time to IXNAY the “Whys” of the EUP and their mess. It is more productive to understand HOW we attracted them in the first place,and what in us attracts them. Why do we keep sticking our hand in the EUP boiling hot cauldron of pain? After all, sticking your hand in boiling hot water will give you 3rd degree burns, so why even do it?
Please share your thoughts, comments, and stories. Do you have a topic or a question on emotionally unavailable relationships that you would like addressed on the L.A. Blog? Please feel free to email: email@example.com or comment directly on a post that has inspired and empowered you.