By Javinne J. McCoy
Finally, it’s here!-Part 3 of The Emotionally Unavailable Person and The False-Self. For a Recap, revisit The Emotionally Unavailable Person and The False-Self Part 2.
Let’s break down one component of The Four Windows of Self. The purpose here is to better understand why and how E.U.P’s operate and interact with other people (especially in their love relationships) predominately, through the false-self. The Four Windows of Self are above.
E.U.P’s are masters at operating inauthentically. They have supreme issues with being authentic because of an unhealed distorted self-concept. Their own trauma probably trails back eons in their personal-life-back story (which they refuse to face and address). A distorted self-concept, leads the E.U.P to interact with others through the false-self (a part of the self which is all about appearing to be put together, hiding truth, withholding important information, keeping secrets, performing stunts and shows, pretending to mean well, and putting on a show for the moment).
The false-self (or the inauthentic part of self) that begins to emerge in the emotionally unavailable person is noticeable when one’s persistent interactions are dominated by The Hidden Self, The Blind Self, and The Unknown Self-These are The Windows of Self which are of most importance in understanding why E.U.P’s give fake love, make fake promises, and project their confusion, pain, and messiness unto their partners.
Understanding “The Hidden Self”:
Definition: The part of one’s self that is intentionally withheld from public view and kept private. It includes secrets, hidden motives, and hidden truths about one’s past or current dealings that other people are not permitted to see or know about. Often the hidden parts of self are damaging to the one’s closest to us because they represent the dark side that we will not share and resist working on improving.
Situation (I know a lot of folks that this has happened to):
Let’s say for example, you have just discovered that he/she (the “love of your life”) likes threesomes because they claim it makes sex more “exciting”. However, this is against your personal values and definition of loyalty and commitment (in fact, you may have already made this clear to them by demonstrating your own loyalty and commitment to them, without needing to have the addition of third parties in your relationship). To your horror they are now suggesting, even pushing you, to have one with them (heck, you may submit to having the dang threesome just to please them, bypassing your own values, because you love them “oh so much”-read: DRAMA and PAIN).
Notice how you receive this info NOT in the beginning stages of establishing the relationship (giving you a fair opportunity to stay or scoot the hell on by your own choice), but instead, you get it months or years later. You get “informed” after you have already fallen, head over heels, knee-deep, in love doo-doo (read: manipulated and conned). You are not a happy camper.
When Mr. or Mrs. Lova Lova gives you the 411 on their “secret sex desires”, you’re thinking -WTF?.
Your heart comes to a screeching halt. Your thoughts begin to swirl:
“They didn’t tell me this in the beginning”
“Well, I thought the sex has been just GREEEEAT!!! (Insert Tony the Tiger’s voice-Kellogg’s Cereal)”
“What’s the problem?”
“They are all the man/woman I need, they are perfect for me, and I think they are enough, so why don’t they feel the same way about me?”
“Why do they want a third party?”
“I don’t want/need anyone else to spice up our sex life, so why do they?”
The problem here is that they have kept this information HIDDEN from you. They withheld a secret. They knowingly kept a vital piece of information from you, which, if you initially were privy to, would have had you sashaying right out the damn door (saving yourself from unnecessary heartbreak and pain, and given the above threesome bit, a possible STD). Do you remember saying to yourself “Damn! If I knew what I know now, I would have gotten out sooner”?
Don’t be too hard on yourself. The flawless ability to con and get what they want for the moment is a highly developed skill in E.U.P’s. The only part you are responsible for, is for not trusting your gut, heeding the signs, or over-desiring what is unavailable to you and staying with them despite receiving information that suggests you should be leaving, and getting the hell out of harms way!
This is what often happens with E.U.P’s. By the end of the relationship your nostrils usually get wafted by a mound of stankin’ dirty laundry-the secrets, the lies, the half-truths, the baby mama in the background, the side guy or side chick, the ex they are still holding on to, the secret sex fetishes that negatively impact your relationship etc.
And the list goes on…………………………
The bottom line! They were NOT honest with you. Whenever you willingly hide parts of yourself in a relationship ( that is supposed to be built on the premise of intimacy), you are withholding vital information from your partner, which will have a dramatic impact on the quality of your relationship. When you keep dirty secrets in intimate relationships you are being false, inauthentic, and playing games. Keep in mind that, the Hidden-Self is motivated, primarily, by the E.U.P’s desire to control and manipulate their life, environment, and relationships. It is always a power struggle. They don’t play to have both parties win. They alone, want to win. The arena of love and emotions is never a level playing field for the E.U.P.
Hiding things is all about controlling the output of information, with the intent of taking the focus off of one’s self. Think about it. The more time someone spends keeping Pandora’s Box closed, the less accountable they have to be in the relationship. They can control their level of participation with you in the relationship. You are the one who usually participates more. That is why at the end of the relationship it may be so hard to let go. In essence, you just had a relationship with yourself and they mirrored your love back to you like a copy-cat because they are not in touch with their emotions so the focus is so on YOU (mirroring and mimicking other peoples’ emotions is a highly developed skill of narcissists-a personality style/disorder that your E.U.P. might be strongly inclined to have ).
When they reject you, it can feel like a rejection of yourself because you were doing most of the sharing, caring, loving, and disclosing (while they keep themselves hidden and interact with you via The Hidden Self). You will be the one spilling your guts and feelings to them (unless they have an ulterior motive, feign genuine emotion, and exploit you for the moment for what they want from you), talking about lovey dovey emotions, constantly showering them with love, spilling all of your emotional guts. Their responses to your unbridled self-disclosures usually go something like this “I feel the same”, “Me too”, “You took the words out of my mouth”, “Yea, same thing here”, “Ditto!”, or even a simple whack ass head nod. No genuine connection. They WITHHOLD. WITHHOLD. WITHHOLD.
If he/she doesn’t self-disclose or discloses sparingly they get to control your perception of them. That is why E.U.P’s appear to be “too good to be true” in the beginning. They are withholding those “bad parts” from you, which are unhealed (and they don’t work on or intend to fix), and wreak havoc on the lives of those around them. They control the output of information concerning their wounded underdeveloped parts, often put on a show, and allow you to see only “the good” (pretending to be better than they really are).
The problem is that the Hidden Self takes a lot of energy to maintain. When your main focus is on manipulating your relationships and controlling people’s perceptions of you, you neglect other areas of your self- mainly your true authentic self. The more energy you spend hiding, is the less energy you spend keeping it real, being who you really want to be, having real relationships, and healing your unhealed parts, so that you can experience true intimacy with another.
This is precisely what makes them unavailable. It is their inability to keep ISH REAL, and the consistent hiding of information so that they don’t have to work on anything too seriously, ensuring that they (the E.U.P) can maintain the status quo, keep things light and breezy, and exploit others for personal gain (on their terms).
Have you ever noticed that when the emotional stove starts to turn up in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner they shut down? They run away. They withdraw. They disappear. They abandon you. They leave you high-and-dry. Well, the reason why this is done is to keep the Hidden Self intact and maintain the homeostasis of the false-self. They must ensure their system of false-hood stays that way-balanced in shadiness and falsehood. Anything that threatens to expose what is hidden in them will be discarded. This includes YOU and your love, your attempts to make it work, your apologies, the make-up sex you give them to bond, your thousands of “relationship talks”, your suggestions to “work it out” in couple’s therapy etc. It is time to give up your hopes for them to change.
If the Hidden Self is exposed, then by default, E.U.P’s will have a lot of internal work to do to address issues like: why they keep secrets from you, why they cheat on you, why they can’t commit to you, why they say one thing and do another while in a relationship with you, and why they say things like “You are my Soul Mate”, “You are The One”, yet, bail out of the relationship when the time comes to deal with problems,and find solutions with you, for the relationship to be successful.
You get the point. Ask yourself. Do you actually expect them to address paramount issues of dysfunction when they are so busy deflecting circumstances that encourage them to deal with these issues? There is not enough love in the world. Get out of that Codependency Cage. Yours included. They have to make the choice for THEMSELVES.
Sadly most don’t.
Well anyway, at least not because we want and wish them to.
A fierce determination to keep the Hidden Self intact is one of the contributing factors that make E.U.P’s emotionally unavailable for a fully actualized, healthy, intimate, and REAL relationship with others. Remember that, it is more about THEM and LESS about you! They must deal with their own ISH! You can’t make them!
The false-self will be a robust series of posts on this particular topic. Stay tuned for The Emotionally Unavailable Person and The False-Self Part 4.
A brief update for all of you loyal L.A. Blog readers:
The frequency of my posting schedule will vary from week to week. I am currently working on a few personal projects, shenanigans (good and healthy ones), and have some ideas that are in development. As such, I will not attempt to “take on the world” (as I am prone to do by default) by posting 3 to 4 posts a week. My aim is to commit to you (the L.A. Blog reader) a minimum of 1-2 posts per week. If I get really carried away with the writing bug or receive specific requests from readers (which I love and welcome. Hint. Hint) to cover a topic on emotional unavailability, I may decide to write more than 2 posts per week. I just felt the need to give an update because I know I have a handful of loyal readers whom have sent me emails about their recovery process, and how Loveantics has empowered them to let go of E.U.P’s and address their own unhealthy relationship patterns. Kudos to all of you who are in recovery and maintaining it! Ya’ll betta WURK!!! Thank you for all of your emails, for making a commitment to do your inner work, for connecting with my insights, and for allowing my story and testimony to empower you to move away from emotionally unavailable shenanigans and crazy love antics! You ROCK! Keep up the good work!
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