The Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Date:10 Signs and Sayings 48

The-Emotionally-Unavailable-Partner-Date-10-Signs-and-Sayings

By Javinne J. McCoy

Relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, lovers, men/woman, can be downright frustrating. Often you leave the relationship or courtship scratching your head in disbelief over the crazy @#$%^&* Love Antics that take place in these unhealthy relationships. For me, it seemed to be that I was the King at jumping heart first into shady relationship investments for all the WRONG reasons- with the WRONG people.

In fact, I started journaling about my dealings with unavailable men in 2008. I have five years of personal journals (8 in total) chronicling the unhealthy patterns, behaviors, situations, and men (often the same person different package), that imprinted on me like some sort of Unhealthy Relationship Curse (or so I thought).

They all seemed to want me “oh so badly” at first. In fact, all of them were very charming in the “beginning stages” (essentially putting on a show/front to get what they couldn’t have, when in reality, I wasn’t THAT interested in them at all). However, the more they chased me (remember, wherever there is “the chase” present in the relationship or courting, it is prepping YOU or THEM to perform in the Love Olympics), the more I second guessed my initial disinterest in them (the disinterest was my intuition always screaming, this guy ain’t all that, something ain’t right, you need to keep it moving).

I have often been asked this question: how do you prevent yourself from engaging with unavailable partners?  Truth is. There is no fool proof method. However, one thing that I believe has been naturally given to me is the gift of discernment (the ability to feel in your gut/spirit that “Somethin’ Just Ain’t Right”, or the ability to spot when someone is inauthentic in their character- no matter how “nice” they appear to be). When your discernment is sharpened to spot out inauthentic people and relationships, you have a better shot at exiting the situation more quickly, thereby, minimizing pain and drama.

Unfortunately, what happens is that you may bypass what your discernment is signaling to you, due to, NOT trusting yourself. Here is the deal: no matter how emotionally healthy you become, emotionally unavailable people are like sharks in the dating pool, they are about “self”, and will come after you and try their “ISH” anyway.

The best you can do, is to commit to trusting yourself in the situation via listening to (and sharpening) your discernment. This will help you make a swift exit out of shady situations and tell them to take a SCOOT (minimizing the amount of pain and drama).

Here is a list of 10 signs and sayings, which indicate you, may be dating, or involved with an E.U.P. (Emotionally Unavailable Partner) :

1.      They say things like “I have NO expectations, I like to keep things light, and just have fun”  (meanwhile, you have been dating each other for a substantial amount of time)

Translation: I have NO expectations because I do NOT want YOU to have any expectations of me. I DO NOT want to be responsible to you or anyone else- that would be burdensome. Things will NEVER get “too serious” between us, I will make sure of that. You are what I equate with “fun” and nothing serious. If you get carried away with your feelings that is YOUR choice, and I WILL NOT accept any responsibility for this.

2.      They tell you, “I don’t want a relationship! (But still will string you along for some sex, a date,some more boning,  a cuddle, a rub, kisses etc.)

Translation: This one is pretty clear cut. Yet some of us will stick around and try to win the “unavailable prize”. You are in the fight for your life. Tell them to scoot the hell on!

3.      They say “ I really like you, you’re great, but I am NOT sure what I want”

Translation:  I really like you/think you’re are great but I am the type of person who is NOT really sure about what I want or I need. That would require me to make a decision and know who the hell I am. I see qualities in you that I fancy but they are NOT ENOUGH to move me to define my relationship with you. You can stick around as a possible option, with your “great qualities”, to wait and see what will happen. I am not sure about you or anything for that matter. You might be on hold forever.

4.      They say “I am not sure whether I want to be with a man or a woman”

Translation: I have been dating you for a while but I am not sure about my sexuality. I am actually confused and don’t want to make a solid decision. If you deal with me, it probably will be for “the moment”. I could switch the relationship up on you at any moment because I am confused and uncertain about what I want. Since I am confused, you WILL BE confused about where we stand too.

5.      You notice that their primary preference is for communication via text, email, instant messenger etc., even though, you have been dating for some time or are in a full-fledged relationship. (and it’s a pattern)

The REAL meaning: One word: LAZY. Emotionally unavailable people are masters at the art of “keeping a safe distance” so you don’t “get TOO close”. Often, they will manage how often, when, and how you communicate because they are dodging REAL intimacy and connection. Texts, emails and the like, are all great ways to slip someone you are dating or in a relationship with CRUMBS, when you don’t want things to get “too serious” or put that much effort in.

6.      You send a text or they send a text, you respond but they respond 3 hours later (and it’s a pattern)

The REAL meaning:  You are just not that important. I have A LOT of things going on and I am “Busier than Beyoncé”. I will get to you, when I get to you. I have other priorities which I deem more important. (insert finger snaps)

7.      They use their career, work, family, friends, or any other “thing” as a lame excuse as to why they don’t have enough time to spend with you but claim to “like/love” you.

The Real meaning: These are all feeble excuses (which emotionally unavailable folk love to toot around because they sound NOBLE and make them seem “so special” and like a great asset to society). They like to create many barriers to intimacy; these are exhausting to break down. Truth is, many people are busy with these “things” but still are able to maintain successful and healthy relationships because they want it bad enough. Point. Blank. Period.

8.      They have a shady attitude toward sex with you.

The Real meaning: Either they ration the sex out at their leisure and give it very sparingly, or the entire relationship is built on sex. Here is another barrier that emotionally unavailable partners create, where it is “damned if you do”, or “damned if you don’t”. Sex DOES require two people two become a bit personal. If they are not “giving it”, they are trying to keep you at a safe distance so you don’t have to connect emotionally through sex.

On the flip side if they are a “sexual energizer bunny” and the boudoir is the only place where they seem to “connect” with you in the relationship, they are objectifying you and the relationship is just built on sex, which is a superficial basis for a relationship. These are often the ones you refer to as The Best Sex I Ever Had, and if they are rationing the sex, it than becomes, The Best Sex I Never Have or Hardly Get.

9.      They IDEALIZE you in the beginning by claiming “I can’t believe you are here with me”, “I never imagined you would show up”, “I can’t believe you want me” or my favorite, “You are my SOUL MATE”

The REAL Meaning:  Emotionally unavailable partners actually have deep rooted issues with perfectionism. They will idealize you in the “beginning stages” of courting you or the relationship.  You will feel like you are this “Oh so great” guy or girl whom is special enough to be adored by the person you either like or are falling in love with. However, E.U.P’s are often living off of their own illusions about “the perfect” relationship/partner.

The perfect partner doesn’t exist. People are living, breathing and have legitimate emotional needs (which they should FIRST be meeting for themselves before they expect anyone else to meet and visa verse). The minute you start to show you are a REAL person with REAL emotional needs that need to be met, you will be mistreated, made to feel like a burden, devalued, and discarded. They often want the “high” of love ( i.e. sex, kissing, rubbing, intense moments of connection (drama), having ice cream, good convo, throwing around relationship titles, going out to eat, meeting friends and family) and not the person that comes along with it, who actually needs to be consistently cared for, loved, respected, valued and cherished.

10.  They are great on paper with their IMAGE but are A MESS behind the scenes. The REALITY of who they are is not so great in The FLESH.

The REAL Meaning: You will often notice that on first appearance E.U.P.’s seem to “have it all together”. They may have great motivation for their career, the finest cars, the most “popping” social life (or so it seems), all these “great qualities”, an SAT vocabulary, a great bod, the nicest charming persona, seem to be a god-fearing man/woman (because they say their grace before they eat or they go to church on Sunday), be the ideal family guy/girl, have money, have the nicest apartment etc.  But then, you get involved with them, and the !@#$%^&* hits the fan.

They dodge accountability in the relationship, are barely available for the relationship (that you both agreed upon), are cheating, are deceitful (by withholding vital information), are having secret sex liaisons, have weird fetishes which they don’t discuss with you, breakup with you (then get involved with someone else immediately after your long-term relationship ends) , get someone else pregnant, and the list goes on.

Emotionally unavailable people are flawed by design to NOT dig deep and make sure that the external is matching their internal character. They have supreme issues with being AUTHENTIC. That is why they cannot give you an authentic relationship and they say one thing and do another. The relationships they offer are always unhealthy, half-assed, and filled with mega shade, and broken promises.

It is important to trust your gut when dating, courting, or getting involved in relationships. Your discernment is your best tool at nipping shady, crappy relationship behavior in the bud. This leads to creating healthier, lasting, more fulfilling relationships built on truth, authenticity, care, respect, trust, and love. 

Emotionally unavailable partners are designed by default to be unavailable to your needs and the needs of a joint-relationship with another adult.  Save yourself additional pain, fear, and drama, by choosing to spot the signs head on.

Listen to what people are REALLY saying and DOING. They will tell on themselves and expose their emotional readiness (or lack of) for a relationship with you.  Choose the emotionally unavailable as a partner, and you will get a lovely dose of pain and drama, and be licking your wounds like a love sick puppy. Save yourself! See the signs and scoot out of unhealthy situations before they start.  What patterns have you notice in dealing with emotionally unavailable “slippery relationship critters”?

For more signs and saying of the EUP  check out Part 2: The Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Date Part Deux: 7 More Signs

Please share your thoughts, comments, and stories. Do you have a topic or a question on emotionally unavailable relationships that you would like addressed on the L.A. Blog? Please feel free to email: loveantics.loverwithin@gmail.com or comment directly on a post that has inspired and empowered you.

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48 thoughts on “The Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Date:10 Signs and Sayings

  1. Pingback: Relationship Shadyville: Is It Time to Foreclose on Your Poor Relationship Investment? ← Love Antics- The Relationship Blog

  2. Reply Robert Cecil Brooks III Oct 30,2013 11:32 pm

    Wow. I must read again!

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Oct 31,2013 12:39 am

      Glad you enjoyed!!! Stay tuned for the next post entitled “30 Tell-Tale Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship or Dating Situation“. Keep your eyes and ears open! Trust yo,u because you deserve mutual, true, authentic reciprocal love. Cheers!

      • Reply Jessica Forleo Dec 3,2014 6:15 am

        Wonderful article! Thank you for the insight. I have been involved with an EUP for the last year, dated for 5 months and then we broke up because he was always unavailable. Remained friends, though it made everything even more painful. He would call me text me meet me every once in a while, he would surprise me with a vacation, he would drive all the way to another state when I was out of town just because it was my birthday, and he would still say he didn’t want to date again. Until a month ago, when he started acting as if we were dating again. He started being available again, and we were seeing each other almost everyday. He wanted me to meet his mom, he was always inviting me to his place just to hang out, and he was being very nice. Yet, if I wanted to see him more, or complain that he wasn’t answering some of my texts(like a funny picture), he would outburst and shut down. He said the only reason why we weren’t dating was because I had too many expectations(expecting him to call me is an expectation?) Still he would surprise me bu taking me to a wonderful place for dinner on our first year of meeting each other. After spending two days together, and having so much fun and romance(cuddling together where he would say that he would never leave me, or things like you are mine), he didn’t text me all day the following day. When I confronted him about that he got all defensive saying he never promised that we were going to date, which raged me. I said I have self-respect and cannot continue like this. He said okay, and I was devestated. He said that we should have a break for two months by being faithful to each other and then get back and fix the issues. He is soooo busy with his work, and I can see that, and is so stressed about it. Then I missed him last week, and texted him saying that we should commit to goodness, love and cherish each other(because I believe there was something special between us) and he didn’t text me back. I nagged–which was wrong, about why he wasn’t texting me back. He blocked me from everywhere, and cut contact. His place is only a block away from mine, which really sucks. I don’t know if we will meet again on the date we decided to after the break as we promised. It is such a painful process, and I wish he didn’t choose to deliberately upset me like this. The thing is I can’t decide if he was an EUP or, just trying to make it in his business, or that I really had high expectations. Then again expecting him to open his heart while he was acting like a boyfriend should not be too much. God bless them anyway.

  3. Pingback: 5 Myths about Love and Relationships: The Real Truth ← Love Antics- The Relationship Blog

  4. Reply Experienced Nov 15,2013 10:58 pm

    i like you but still says they are not sure of what they want….. ive been in this before…. this girl has been really hurt in the past and is terrified of getting hurt again… so she puts up this barrier…

    Today she will say that she missed talking to u and all smiles then the next day she is happy to say that she is single and not in a relationship..

    Please avoid persons who are like this….. it will suck all of the emotions out of you…. Relationships like these are usually one sided where you keep giving and giving but you arent receiving anything from their side!

    Also, the closer you get to these persons the more they tend to push u away to protect themselves from getting hurt so its almost like a defensive mechanism..

    Save yourself from the hurt! If you spot any of these traits, please remove yourself from the situation ASAP!, its not healthy….

  5. Pingback: Reader Question: How Do I Recover From The Frustration of Dealing with an E.U.P? ← Love Antics- The Relationship Blog

  6. Reply YamKei May 12,2014 1:34 pm

    What’s written in 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9 above describes exactly what I’ve been going through with my new guy since February. He said almost exactly what’s written in #1, 2, 3 when he came to my house for the first time. He said he has an emotional connection with someone else and only wants an intellectual connection with me now as if a healthy person could separate emotional, intellectual and physical intimacies into three in a clear-cut way. It feels like he is a prisoner in his own prison and is afraid to come out of the cell even though an opportunity for true happiness is out there in the real world. It’s been taking me so long to decide when I’m ready to let go of him….

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor May 13,2014 7:10 am

      Hi Yam Kei,

      First before I address your concerns, I want to applaud your courage for trying to find some answers-that takes a lot of courage and strength.
      Now my Dear for your concerns. If he in any way, made statements, comments, or reflections to you that resonate with points 1,2,3 (or any of the signs and sayings),
      your heart, emotions, and mind are in jeopardy of going bankrupt. You have a chance to save yourself pain by listening to your gut.
      From what you describe your guy is definitely the living and breathing definition of an E.U.P. If when the first time he came to your house, he hinted at “not wanting a relationship, wanting to keep things light and have “fun”, telling you they are unsure about whether they want a relationship, saying your great but they are still not sure how they want
      the relationship to progress with you”, then you need to take heed. HE IS TELLING YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW. Hard to accept I know. Further more, I see a few dynamics going on in the particular situation you describe. If he is telling you that he ALREADY has an emotional connection with someone else and only wants an intellectual connection with you he is doing one thing that E.U.P’s are masters at- He is EXPLOITING you (using you selfishly) to his benefit (P.S. if by any chance you are giving up any of your sex goods to him, it already makes it more than an “intellectual” connection- he is full of CRAP). He is actually being quite disrespectful by inadvertently telling you he wants only part of you not the WHOLE PART of you-that takes a lot of damn nerve and disrespect! He want things on HIS terms and is already letting you know how this show is going to roll (selfish). What you need to realize is that you can’t change him. I see this dynamic too. Somewhere in the back of your mind there is a message deeply embedded in you that says “I have to work REALLY hard for love and win the ‘prize’. If I do this than that means I am worthy and good enough”. You are playing this negative life script out by seeking external validation from your E.U.P.(an emotional chump). Girl, remember you DESERVE BETTER but you must begin to act like it by recognizing your own patterns. Your focus is on him too much. You should be asking yourself “Why would I allow another person to exploit me?” “Why would I want to be with someone who only wants the ‘intellectual’ part of me on their own terms?”, “Why am I trying to change him instead of doing the work on me to find what I actually need and want from a man?”. This is the “letting go” work that you must do on you to begin to LET IT GO. If you stay, the emotional consequences can really leave you with even more pain, and more pain means that you will have A LOT of work to do on you before you might be able to trust again, love again, and have true joy. You must make a decision. Start with the above exercise. Ask yourself why you want “so bad” someone that doesn’t want you? Letting go is a process so be encouraged. If he was the man you needed him to be, he would already be a better man and you would not be so hurt and confused about where you both stand. He is ambiguous and ambivalent. Let him be ambiguous and uncertain with the NEXT chick or alone by himself. You are showing him that you will accept confusion and uncertainty by settling for his. Somehow I don’t think that is the message you really want to send. Sounds like you want a man that wants a relationship, is sure about you, who cherishes you and respects you. When you stack what you WANT up to this dude, he comes up really short and fails the test. Don’t try to make him into the man you want him to be. He is grown. He should have been doing the work on him before you met him to become an emotionally available healthy man. Keep your head up! I will also address some of your other concerns in the next L.A post before the week is out, so please sign up for email updates and look for it on the home page.

  7. Pingback: What Is The Best Way to Breakup with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner (E.U.P) Part 1? - Love Antics- The Relationship Blog

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  10. Reply Mike Jul 14,2014 6:09 am

    I wish I knew this blog six months ago, it would have saved me a lot of troubles and PAIN.
    I had 1, 2, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10 points in my EUWoman…
    And point 10 is accurate on EVERY sides described (appearance is so neat and perfect, rich, charming…), it is incredible.

    I think my case has almost a Borderline Personality Disorder as well…

    Though I mourn and try to understand hat happened to me for almost three months (!!), your blog made me realised only yesterday the amount of disrespect I suffered during the whole “relationship”, and how I’ve been manipulated then clearly abused.
    I thought it was love on her side but she couldn’t accept it because she was already in a relationship, what a fool I was. You don’t disrespect with words someone you love, which makes her someone manipulative and clearly evil in my opinion.

    This article is good as well:
    http://www.somepieceofmind.com/real-talk/8-what-women-want-to-know-about-men/34-emotionally-unavailable-means-unavailable-period

    Thanks

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Jul 14,2014 8:00 pm

      I am so glad that you connected with the material thank you for stopping by and reading the LA blog. I know it is like “If I knew then what I know now”. Thank goodness for the lessons
      that these shady relationships teach us when we wake the heck up. Thank you for sharing the article-it is a great read. I always say if you think that they had a disorder, you are probably right on the money. It is not your imagination. There are many not well folk walking around like everything is just peachy until you get close and get to see the not so great them. Cheers to your recovery from E.U.P’s.

  11. Reply Mike Jul 14,2014 9:10 am

    At some point yesterday, after realizing the disrespect I accepted to endure, for example when as for you she told me something like “To be honest, you are around me more than I prefer. If it were up to me, I would see you maybe once a week. I feel like I need to barter for space”, I asked myself: “But, WHY did she do what she did to me ?”
    How can someone say this and in the same time staying with you for so many nights, giving you the key of the apartment, etc…
    She must be mentally sick to act as she did…

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Jul 14,2014 8:04 pm

      Yes,

      People who can say such hurtful words to the one’s they claim to love are certainly bonkers and not well mentally.
      Hopefully, these experiences make us sharper and more keen to spot the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Some people are just totally CRAY CRAY and it
      has nothing to do with what you did or did not do. It is often due to their own disturbed personalities and things that they refuse working on healing behind closed doors.
      Congratulations on getting out of the unhealthy relationship mire! I applaud you! Remember, you deserve better!!

  12. Reply Deborah Jul 20,2014 8:47 am

    Wow, I found this blog today and love it. I am a lesbian and just now breaking up with an emotionally unavailable woman. It was heart breaking for me, but thank God I only invested three months into her. I tend to analyze everything, so I have been asking myself why I allowed myself to get into a relationship with someone who was obviously not that into me. I realized that in the past few years I have picked relationships that all all emotionally unavailable. I wondered if I myself am emotionally unavailable. Nope. I have had two five year relationships that were good. I keep in touch with my ex’s, but my heart is open for a future love. I want to be loved and I am happy with myself as a person. I just have to slow down and screen a little better before investing my heart into someone.

    The last woman did 5 through 10. She is beautiful and I loved looking at her. It was the strangest of all my relationships, because what she said and what she did didn’t match. We dated for a month before being intimate. She told me that she wanted a relationship that wasn’t built on sex, but real love. So, I believe her and waited patiently for passion. The passion never emerged. She would tell me she wanted me, then avoid sex. We had sex three times in three months. Yet, she took pictures of us together (I consider myself attractive and she is, as well) then post it on FaceBook. She got drunk once and was all over me, then avoided actually having sex by falling asleep and ignoring me the next morning. So, the image she projected was very different than reality. I felt played with, hurt and let her know this. I clearly communicated my frustration and pain. Her reaction was to cry, run away and make more excuses. I made the mistake of becoming angry and showed it. Prior to this relationship, I have never used FaceBook to vent relationship pain. I shared a few posts that seemed to anger her, one about my time being precious. The last time we were together, I probably radiated my anger and did so in front of her friends. This was a horrible mistake, one I own up to. I apologized to her friends. I was unfriended by her on FaceBook and we broke up via text. She has refused to talk to me. Very sad. I feel stupid and immature for falling into the trap. I deactivated my FaceBook account and will stay off it for awhile till things cool down.

    I refuse to wallow in spilled milk and am getting back out there. What I will do this time around is pay attention to the red flags, my gut feelings, and avoid allowing my anger and pain to get the best of me. Rejection hurts and I need to hurt in private.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Jul 21,2014 5:18 pm

      Hi Deborah,

      Thank you for reading. I am glad the light bulbs are going off in your head and you are beginning to see your patterns and acknowledge The Beast of Emotional Unavailability.
      Try not to beat yourself up too hard for venting on FB- I don’t advise it (it just keeps the drama flowing and gives the E.U.P. way too much power).But You did it, it is done. You
      were merely rejected by someone who was pretending to want REAL LOVE for the moment. You gave it, and they ran. It is her loss. Some people are incapable of truly loving another. Most likely, her reasons for rejecting you had nothing to do with you. It was her own fears and drama. Healthy people do not bring others into their mess or pretend to want more than they are capable of giving to another (which it sounds like she did). It is true, the fact that we engage these types or partners like some sort of plague, indicates that we are on some level emotionally unavailable. However, you are AWARE-this is the first step. Now, the next might be to learn how to be truly alone (comfortable in your own skin without the need for a date/companion immediately to fill the space). When this is accomplished the possibilities are endless and the healing begins and you will be less susceptible to be fooled by a wolf in sheep’s clothing . Stay encouraged. Please keep reading, and subscribe to The LA Blog.

      JJM

  13. Reply Deborah Jul 23,2014 7:14 am

    Thanks for the feedback. I love who I am as a person. I just moved and I am fairly new to my area. So, getting out there and meeting new people is a healthy way for me to recover. I have no desire to jump right into a relationship with anyone, but I do see the need to network and meet others. It keeps me from being home alone to cry and feel bad about what happened. I have had some success and made two friends who I feel comfortable with. These are friends and not romantic partners. I have had periods in my life where I have been alone, have analyzed myself and have realized what my strengths and weaknesses are. In my case I had clearly indicated (prior to intimacy) what my needs were. She avoided meeting them, I communicated how unhappy I was and things fell apart. I am not perfect and will continue to work on myself.

    As for the FaceBook thing, I did not post anything on her wall, or indicate anything negative about her. I just shared a saying about time being precious on my wall. We were already at a breaking point, so it triggered some drama. She knew that she was wasting my time and avoiding spending time with me. I had also told her verbally (prior to the post) that I wasn’t going to wait around like a lost puppy dog hoping she’d pet me. I didn’t use FaceBook much before and I am going back to to that practice. I deleted the post and it is done.

    The thing about psychology is that there is no one solution to all mankind’s problems. Every situation is a little different. In my case, I have PTSD from multiple traumas, which adds to why I was hurt so badly by this woman. I read your article on that and agree with much of it. I recognize that my past colors my perception of current events. Each day is a new opportunity to be happy, to share with others, and to embrace life. I don’t see any value in hiding away from the world, sulking, or crying a day away. My coping mechanisms including giving to others, being compassionate and just enjoying the present. I run, work out and even have a few productive hobbies. I love your blog and appreciate your advice.

  14. Reply Peter Aug 4,2014 2:24 pm

    Good day

    I was quite AMAZED to read your article (The Emotionally Unavailable Partner). There is a woman I have known for 8 years now. In the beginning I just could NOT get close to her. She was a complete workaholic – making it impossible to get a date with her. She never returned phone calls or text messages. ALL the things you say in your article. However I did not leave her alone. I liked her a great deal so I stayed on and persevered because I thought she was worth it.

    Now I am STILL not in a relationship with her (she tells me she doesnt want a relationship with anyone). However she shares EVERYTHING with me. All of her feelings and thoughts and everything that happens in her life. She seems almost not able to breathe unless she has discussed it with me first. Recently a guy asked her to be in a relationship with her but it only lasted 1 week. He told her she never shared time with him. This upset her and she used it as an excuse to down grade him to a friend. Before this happened – in her usual way of sharing everything with me – she confessed to me that I was the ONLY person she felt comfortable sharing anything with and that she was having great difficulty in her relationship because she could not share herself (emotionally) with the guy.

    Now I have realised that even if I got her to agree to being in a relationship with me (the sharing is already there) HOW ON EARTH would I ever get her to agree to marry me. The funny thing is although we are not in a relationship (short of physical intimacy) she has let us do everything which relationship couples do.Dinners, movies and even holidays together. I sometimes joke with her that I treat her as my wife. Truth be told she also treats me as her husband (be it living in a different house). Every decision she makes in her life she first discusses with me to get my opinion. I often think we are in a relationship except that I am the only one of us who realises it. She lets me hug her lots but after 8 years I still have not earned the right to kiss her on the lips.

    As you say her preferred means of communication is via social chat apps.

    Thanks – your article has given me a framework upon which to hang my “relationship” with this woman.

    What is amusing to me now is that all the new men in her life hit this brick wall of her not sharing but I seem to be on the same side of the wall as she is and get ALL the intimate sharing.

    I am not hanging on just for the sake of hanging on – or maybe I am – but I have no one else who I am keen on right now so enjoying the friendship.

    Peter

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Aug 7,2014 10:07 pm

      Hi Peter,

      Thanks for reading and connecting with the article on the LA Blog. I think you said a lot when you wrote “…or maybe I am – but I have no one else who I am keen on right now so enjoying the friendship.”. Remember NEVER settle for less then what you deserve. When we settle just for the sake of not being alone, or avoiding being alone, or because we don’t know how to be alone; true authentic love and the opportunity for it will NEVER appear because we are blocking it with something that is not REAL LOVE. Good luck to you. Keep reading the LA Blog. You deserve better than an imitation of what a healthy relationship really is. You will also never learn one of the most valuable lessons in life-learning to let go of what we don’t want so that we can get closer to what we want (creation).

      Best,

      JJM

  15. Reply Dave Aug 28,2014 7:05 pm

    I foolishly became involved with a woman who is grieving an ex boyfriend. She is emotionally unavailable for any relationship. I’m in love with her and I found now that I am damaged and grieving because of her. This is an infectious condition that hurts others. I wish there was a cure for this, but I see that only time will cure me. My hope is that she will heal and contact me, but I know that rarely happens in life. Sadly, I’m preparing to live my life without her. I guess things happen for a reason and I must say that I learned a good lesson. I know what to look for now in emotionally unavailable women and will avoid them at all cost.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Aug 30,2014 10:45 am

      Thanks for stopping by and for reading LA. I am glad you see it as a lesson learned. Once we do that and let the past go, we are
      less likely to repeat the same patterns. Wanting an unavailable partner back is like wanting NOTHING back. That is often what the reality
      of the situation is-it was NOTHING that you really needed (because she couldn’t give you what you needed, expect for pain). You needed love NOT pain and disappointment.

      She was incapable of giving you REAL LOVE. SO you really did not miss out on real love, just the hope of it (maybe, it was real from your end but not from hers). So you,you did not miss out on REAL LOVE. HEAL your heart do your work, so when REAL LOVE PRESENTS ITSELF, you will be loving you and ready to receive it. REAL LOVE IS EASY, NOT HARD LABOR. The real disappointment is when you miss out on REAL LOVE when you are too busy chasing THE UNAVAILABLE.
      Stay encouraged!

  16. Reply callmesir Sep 27,2014 2:24 pm

    I wish it was easier.
    Now i am learning to ask for proof of responsibility,accountability, kindness and good manners.
    So far it is is working.

    Only its a shame it has taken me decades to do this.
    Now a sweet gentle smile from a woman, as far as i am concerned, is as important as listening to the elevator music. She must share,of her own will and character, her lunch with me if she will end up getting my attention.

    My attention now has very high premium. Only a reciprocating woman can access it.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Dec 19,2014 6:51 am

      Thank you for reading. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your comment. I have been on a short posting sabbatical.
      Just remember the past is the past. Period. It seems as if you have gained something very powerful in your experiences-Insight.
      If heeded, it is this insight that will help you to a) not make the same mistakes in relationships twice
      b) Focus on what really needs to happen in order for you to have
      healthy and fulfilling relationships
      c) NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE
      It may have taken you a while to “get it” but thank God you “got it”. You woke up and smelled the unhealthy relationship roses. BRAVA!

  17. Reply Laura Oct 18,2014 4:49 am

    I have to say thank you so much for the wisdom and insight in this blog. It has helped me recover much more quickly from a relationship of 6 months with a totally (I now realise) EUP. He had all the signs that you listed: he didn’t like it when I called him, he often wouldn’t respond to texts, he loved sex with me but didn’t like kissing (how can someone not like kissing?! I always thought that was a bit strange), and he pursued me and flattered me like crazy in the first few months, only to barely notice I was there the rest of the time and claim to be insanely busy with his ‘work’. I thought I had failed somehow, that I hadn’t communicated well enough or been understanding enough or interesting enough, but I realise from your blog that there was NOTHING I could have done to make the relationship work with this man. Just at the point where real intimacy normally develops, he started to push me away and has done the same throughout his life. He’s just turned 40 and his longest relationship is a year; he will meet the next woman and go through exactly the same cycle with her.

    I would like to add that rather than be angry, I’ve realised that it’s better to feel sorry for these damaged EUPs because they are incomplete people who can’t give or receive love, and I don’t think anyone would choose to be like that. Normally they’ve had a traumatic childhood and a bad relationship with their primary caregivers (that was my ex). However, it also doesn’t mean that we accept half-relationships and their excuses for lousy treatment of others, and the worst thing you can do is try to help them to get over their problems or change them. Like you say, the best course of action is to leave them to their pain and find your own happiness and respect, at first alone and eventually with someone else. Thanks again for sharing all your experience 🙂

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Dec 19,2014 7:01 am

      BRAVA Laura! I am so glad that you have let your experience with your EUP empower you to choose something different and let go.
      You will thank yourself for your decision in the long-term. Good for you and thanks for reading The LA Blog.

  18. Reply Ally Nov 16,2014 9:24 am

    Hey, J!

    Firstly, please allow me to call you “J”! I was indeed in deep sober about this married man I met half year ago. I was attracted to him, that I didn’t even realise or bother he’s 21 year old older than I but I still loves him. I must open to say that I admitted to him I’m a single parent but subsequently had adopted out my child to my cousin. Even I told him my bad experiences I had gone through with my ex boyfriend how I was deceived and how devastated my life had gone through. Then, things happened beautifully and naturally until then I started to realise this man is actually an Emotional Unavailable Person (E.U.P.). We had shared most of our personal life, from happy to sad moments, from pride to down moments. I really feel attached to him. At first I told myself not to get into him so deeply and I told him the same things too. Somehow, I fell for him so deeply but I just don’t know how to get over it. Admit that it’s like playing wirh fire and caught myself burned.

    Advises from my friends and family members were ignored by me that I tried to convince myself that I could change this E.U.P. unfortunately I were overly confident about it. I had been trying so hard to keep my mind clear and make things clear, that I should stop this unclear relationship (neither he ever mentioned me to his friends as his girlfriend when we met, nor me) – such stupid of me; let’s get back to the conversation. However I had always lose myself to him; physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, even sexually.

    You just couldn’t believed it right when I say that it’s the perfect nightmare I’ve ever had! The perfect deadly emotionless man I’ve ever met! I have to admit that I don’t simply love a man so deeply but with your blog, I found strength in it! And the most important is I eventually found strengths in myself! I have to say it and I must say it! I had been seeking for ways to withdrawn from him but all in vain until I finally found your blog! It helps alot, more than alot!

    And it gives me confidence that I deserved a better man; or I can say that he don’t even deserve me! The more I read your articles, the more I felt devalued of what I’ve done for him. It woke me up from the ideal self I’d always think he is. And the more I think of him, the more I want to stand up and show him I’m not the lady that would be his spare life rings whenever he felt down and wanted someone to listen to him. And I must say that he totally fulfilled the criteria fron the #10 sign of E.U.P.!

    I totally amazed when I read it! The most important is that, I’ve my own planning of not letting myself to be dragged in to him and will not ever let myself crawl out from him like a zombie! Instead of bursting out to him, accusing him without real proof for what he did (spending the nights with another lady, not his wife; when I planned so hard to fly over to meet him!), I planned to text him politely saying that I were busy with my personal things and couldn’t catch up with him this trip as not to cause havoc.

    His birthday is just around the corner. Somewhat, I’ve asked to celebrate his birthday but he rejected it. Then okay! But I still remember I owed him to buy him wine as credit to what he had been treating me that good for all the while, and finally realised his “treatings” are real “good”. Besides that, I would also find the leads and present them to him one day around his birth day, which he had been searching for so long. I planned to come all along the way to present him a bouquet of lovely flowers (I’m sure he had never received flowers from a lady!) with his favourite wine at the wine cellar we’d always go. There I would tell him how much I had loved and appreciated him, that I have no turnback but to move on.

    With all that I can do for my last, is to show him how much I’ve had loved him, and that will always be the last I can and will do for him. And it will always remind that loving him is all I can do, no more hoping anything in return from him, to let him know that it is unnecessary to be together by his side with him just to show how much I love and care for him. And that moving on is the best choice I could ever had.

    Please, if you’re gonna say I’m stupid, it’s okay. At least I’m not making things worse or creating devastation. I just hope things end well. And I will ensure it ends well! Should I update you before the end of this year 2014. That would be my last will. Amen.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Dec 19,2014 7:29 am

      Dear “Ally”,

      First of all, I want to thank you for reading the LA BLOG. I am glad you have found some shelter and strength in the articles I have posted.
      I have read your plight and I thank you for sharing with me and the other readers of LA. All I can say is that YOU decide when you are finished.
      I cannot tell you what to do and what not to do. All I can offer is feedback. I know what I would do but that may not work for you and you may not be ready to
      handle things in a manner that doesn’t suit your style and journey. All I can say is that when we still feel we need closure after we have been treated like gum off of the
      bottom of someone’s shoe, It is still about seeking some kind of validation, or wanting to be/appear as the “good” person, or secretly hoping if we tell them or show them
      for millionth time how much we cared that they will somehow respond in our favor. You have to ask yourself what your efforts past a certain point, are about, after YOU KNOW what the deal is. Only you know you. Sometimes the underlining lesson is that we need to learn how to bring closure to ourselves without having “the last talk”, “the goodbye speech” etc. but if you feel like this is the only way you can receive closure than follow your heart but keep yourself firmly in reality. Get your closure, have your talk and let it go.
      If it is just about having your closure than you will have your “last talk” with him and move on. If time passes after “the talk” and you still want him in your life or want to hang on to him after you have been mistreated and your needs could not be meet , you are not truly ready to let go. Do what you need to do to get your closure and then release the burden and make way for REAL LOVE. First starting with yourself! Thanks again for reading and all the best to you and your situation- and yes, by all means feel free to update me on your progress.

  19. Reply adlibjulia Dec 12,2014 10:10 am

    Ha! This is me

  20. Reply Clarissa Dec 14,2014 7:26 am

    read all these posts with interest. I have spent the last 12 years with failed relationships with EU men. The last one completely broke me and 12 months on I am still shattered from the experience and it has switched of a light inside of me.

    Usual, at the beginning full of his love/adoration, I felt I had finally someone to ‘get me’. But after 3 months, like so many others he started to cancel, be sick, overwork, over tired, not over his ex, every excuse. And like so many of these bewildered women posting here, we thought it was us, how could they suddenly become so cold? He was also a functioning alcoholic like my father.

    It is so utterly heartless for them to do this, abandon us like our caregivers did. Now I know why I allowed it. I know that I have my issues to resolve. I came from an unloving family and was abandoned at eight and this has become the soundtrack of my life, I sub and consciously attract those who will replicate these feelings of ‘never being worthy of love.’ So much so I cannot bring myself to contemplate a partner because I do not know how to a/spot the signs and b/ ever trust what another man says. I am also anxious by nature, so I am glad somewhat that I no longer have the anxiety that comes with the EU man taking time to reply when you ask to meet and then not wanting to spend time with you/to criticise me as a person. Anyone else secure would have walked away. We need to dig deep and ask ourselves why we did not, or be sure we spend time vetting them before emotionally exchanging our hearts.

    I am interested to read that so many have OCD issues as well. Is this a trait? Mine did. I was so patient with his overwhelming quest for control of everything. But to him, my house was untidy/clothes unkempt/going to the toilet in the night was ‘too much for him to cope with.’ Once when I asked for a cuddle, he said, ‘Another one?’

    I slowly became drained by this man, but wanted to be the ‘good girl’ to make it right. He had a string of relationships that lasted years, mine only a few months. I was suddenly jealous of wives/girlfriends that had lasted longer than me. So then, it must be me, right? I must be so awful that he could only stand me for a few months, but them years?

    I now realise it wasn’t me. His last partner was so downtrodden and unhappy, separate bedrooms (his demand), little contact, no love. I would have been like her if he hadn’t done the slow fade on me.

    But each day gets a little better, so seeing all of these posts made me realise it wasn’t just me. But once you meet the devil there must be no going back.

    But my question is, if EU’s are incapable of feeling love, empathy reciprocating the need of their significant other, how come they can do it in the honeymoon period, when we are convinced that they can? Seems they are all sociopaths??

    How do I safeguard never doing it again? Never meeting a man like this again? Equally one that probably has NO CLUE of the destruction they cause.

    There were red flags at the start, him telling me how he would ‘face the wall’ of one his girlfriends when she wanted to talk to him, and callously ending relationships with women who were clearly devastated.

    I guess I have answered it for myself. People give themselves away, it is up to us to NOT MUTE or think we can FIX/BE TREATED differently.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Dec 20,2014 5:02 pm

      Hi Clarissa,

      Wow! Thanks for sharing your story and for reading LA.
      I will get right to it and attempt to give you feedback concerning your questions.
      #1 IF EUP’s are incapable of feeling love, empathy reciprocating the need of their significant other,
      how come they can do it in the honeymoon period, when we are convinced that they can? Seems they are all sociopaths??
      #1 Answer/Feedback: The reasons why E.U.P’s may feign love in the “honeymoon period” is never clear cut black and white.
      It all depends on the shade and color of your E.U.P. One thing that seems to happen often is that they overestimate their capacity
      for a relationship. Often they are addicted to the chase, the thrill, the sex, the intense “connecting” that can occur in the beginning stages
      of a relationship, maybe they are lonely and want to use you to fill the void, the possibilities are endless but they always add up to something
      superficial and lacking substance, endurance, and authenticity. As for E.U.P.’s all being sociopaths, well that is too general an assumption-some may
      have sociopathic tendencies, some may be sociopaths, and some are just jerks. But what seems to happen is the more you move from relationship to
      relationship with E.U.P’s and don’t address your unhealthy patterns, the E.U.P relationships progressively get worse and the kind of E.U.P. you may deal with
      gets worse.
      #2 How do you safeguard against choosing an E.U.P again?
      #2 Answer/Feedback: Well, this one is totally up to you. You can’t control other people.
      So first step is to “know thy self”- exam your relationship dynamics from all your relationships- and look for the unhealthy patterns.
      This is where the work is. Don’t seek to fix them by engaging with more unhealthy relationships or choosing a man to right the wrongs of the past with.
      Sit with yourself or get a good therapist and seek to understand YOU, with compassion and HONESTY.
      It all comes down to use believe it or not. Take a break and stop trying to “fix” it for now-this will bring you into a place of peace and surrender and open
      up your mind to do the hard work required to change the pattern. And keep in mind you still may be tested after you “do the work” on You- Another E.U.P may
      pop up just when you least expect it. The question is? How will you respond? Will you let it go and not take it personal?
      Will you let it go and kill the drama? Will you let it go instead of having “the millionth relationship talk”? When you are tested again with an E.U.P., if you respond differently and walk away, and let them out of your life withoutThe DRAMA-that is how you know when you are growing and changing the pattern.
      You can’t be afraid of never having love that didn’t exist in the first place. And in order to truly love you must be vulnerable enough to risk losing it. With E.U.P’s you will always loose it (the “love”-you think you have). With an emotionally available partner you may have some fears but they do not dominate and undermine the relationship. Sounds like you know the answers though-Always trust you and never wait for someone to change for you.
      Much Blessings Clarissa,
      -J
      you relationships

  21. Reply Jenna Dec 18,2014 11:28 pm

    I have a rather urgent question for which I have been searching for an answer. I dated my best friend for 8 months. It happened unexpectedly and took me by surprise but it was wonderful at first. After a while he withdrew some of his charm and attention…no more texts or little notes, he didn’t extend himself to help me when I needed help, he would take hours or days to respond to my texts, etc. He still told me he loved me every day though. We snuggled and laughed and had a great time together but something was gnawing at me about the withdrawal of attention. He started to appear increasingly selfish and often disregarded my feelings and even told me I had no right to feel what I was feeling. I was confused and hurt. Out of the blue he broke up with me and I was devastated. I lost my boyfriend and my best friend. He said he needed space but it turned out he met someone else online while we were dating. He is still with her three years later. However, he has made several false returns by pretending he wants to come back to me but it is always just a game. He also has gone back and forth between saying absolutely awful things to me and then other times praising me/my character. When he says something hurtful he never apologizes or acknowledges that he hurt me. He also keeps contacting me, usually with a weekly text.

    My question is this: is he emotionally unavailable or am I codependent? Or both? I want to fix this dysfunction in my life because I still love him and can’t move on. I’m trying to determine whether the demise of the relationship was my fault for not being more assertive? My friends tell me he is a narcissist but if that’s the case, how is it possible for him to have a happy three-year relationship now? I’m not sure if you know the answer to this but my second question is do codependent people ALWAYS date emotionally unavailable people or might a codependent person find someone “normal” to date who then becomes emotionally unavailable as a result of the partner’s codependency? I wonder if his new girlfriend is codependent too or if the flaws in the relationship were created by me alone. Any help would be great! I am really trying to fix my life. 🙂 Thank you!

  22. Reply Angelo Jan 13,2015 7:11 pm

    Unfortunately I just came out of a situation with a Emotionally Unavailable Woman recently and what a nightmare that was! We had a bigger age gap than I’ve ever done, I’m 32 and she’s 23 turning 24 this month. A year and a half in….she finally started opening up about her hidden truths and said she still had feelings for the ex before me whom constantly cheated on her & gave her STD’s (curable) which led to many female health issues such as a partial hysterectomy & Cancer. She also said she wants to get back with him. Yeah…no thank you! It’s like watching a train wreck and knowing how everything is going to turn out. Many of the things you listed particularly #5, #6, #9 & #10 were exactly how things went. You have to get away soon unlike I did, these people are emotional vultures.

  23. Reply Mags Jun 14,2015 9:09 am

    Hey, sad to say, I’m actually AN E.U.P, freshly self-diagnosed through the internet. I can’t exactly pin point why I am the way I am, I thought I just had philophobia but then I really dug deep and I realised I’m emotionally unavailable. But one thing is, I don’t mean to hurt people (my friends have classified me as a heart breaker) but before I knew i was E.U I just thought it was just a fear of commitment. When I was younger and in my teens my parents never supported me dating and I think I was always afraid to ever commit to “relationship” in fear that my parents would soon find out and I’d have to end things. So I always had this guilty feeling whenever I would date someone. The biggest thing for me is I prefer the chase over that catch and its true for us EUP that when we like someone and they start liking us back, we just wanna bolt. I used to say to myself, the right guy will come along and I won’t be afraid to commit anymore but that’s just another sign; unrealistic ideals. Although I really do hope I’ll get over this. Thanks for writing this!

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Nov 10,2015 1:56 am

      Hey Mags,

      Wow thank you for reading the Love Antics blog. It is great that you recognize this and now you can choose to do better.
      Even if you are an EUP you can take steps to address your behavior and learn to become emotionally available if that is something that you want to change.
      Thanks for being so honest and for taking the time to read my blog.

      Best,
      JJM

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  25. Reply LP Oct 30,2015 1:57 pm

    I just ended a 1.5 year relationship with someone I know realize I never truly knew. How strange is that? We moved in together after 6 months together, which was his suggestion. I honestly thought I was going to marry this man. His EU symptoms were there, but they were not as apparent to me because he did things like mention a future “future faking,” moved in, would tell me he was in love with me, showed a tremendous amount of affection (always cuddling, holding my hand, rubbing my back).

    But then there were the red flags which I didn’t notice. He was a workaholic, aloof, his friends don’t know much about his past, drank too much, was messy, constantly on his phone, would never commit to going on a vacation with just me (had to have friends present), talked about trust a lot, sex started to wane (but I caught him watching porn), was not close with his family, gambled.

    The biggest red flag was that he didn’t ask me to move with him when he took a job transfer, at least not without me having a complete breakdown. Then he agreed to have me come with him. Once we moved together the sh*t hit the fan.

    I was isolated in a new city, working from home everyday and he was always working late, much later than before. When I started to ask about a future together he started to become extremely negative. I wasn’t asking for a commitment right then and there just the knowledge that he saw us together long term. Here is when it hit me. He said:

    “I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else. I live in the moment and cannot predict the future so asking me if I see us together long term is not possible for me. I know I just want us to keep being together.”

    I realized right then he was never going to commit to me, even if I waited for a few years. I am 32 years old and have a biological clock that ticks much faster than most women, due to medical issues. So I packed up all of my stuff and moved back home.

    It has been heartbreaking for me these last couple of months. At first I was fine, but then a good friend of mine died and triggered a lot of anger, sadness, and depression.

    Luckily I have some amazing and supportive friends and family. They have all said basically the same thing: if he couldn’t make it with you, he can’t make it with anyone. I know I am a catch and have so much to offer, it just sucks that he’s too stupid to realize.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Oct 31,2015 4:38 pm

      Thank you for sharing your story. Glad you now know the truth of the situation and have realized you deserve better.
      Thanks for reading the LA Blog.

      Best,
      JJM

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  27. Reply Jay May 23,2016 6:48 pm

    Hi,

    I am a lesbian and was in a very unhealthy relationship with an older EUP. She was so screwed up. It was awful and yet I yearned for her trying to figure out why she was so mean and nasty and sad. She was so unavailable I thought I would pull my hair out. That was in 1998. She flirted with me for 3 years prior to our faux relationship. It was a secret. I live for bread crumbs and that is all I got and we all know a bird can not survive very long on bread crumbs. Her charming self turned into a bottle of poison! I was devastated x 11 years over this 3 month affair. I was blindsighted and totally crushed. Never had sex. Had a couple kisses. Woman was totally wounded in childhood probably emotionally raped and sexually as well.

    Fast forward today May 2016

    Now I am the older woman and met a much much younger female physician at our practice who from the beginning I was very curious about.. She is beautiful, smart, sexy and has just about everything in life a young beautiful woman should have except a boyfriend, husband and or child. She says she totally ruins dates she has or had been on. Said her heart was broken back in high school and never got over it. Said she loves being single and getting married is not in her future neither having a child. Hmmmm. I smelled a rat. She didn’t tell me this but she told everyone else I worked with all the while flirting with me. I thought to my self what is her deal? Felt the damn bread crumb thing again and got sick in my stomach and I ignored/avoided her for 6 months. She was curious as to my absence ( my punishment to her). One day she got angry and said that I was hiding from her and that she was always nice to me and basically didn’t deserve to be ignored. She outed this in front of staff. Giving her the benefit of the doubt I decided to give her a fair chance as any single woman would be jabbered at work by colleagues if she wasn’t married. She began flirting with me again. I have no clue what her deal is or what her sexuality is but it is clear she loves the attention I have given to her or anyone for that matter. I see her one day every two weeks. That is enough to question her intentions. She puts stuff out there like she want s to go to dinner or go for a run sometime but never makes an effort. Hx has it if she makes a commitment to something she rarely delivers. Her excuse she “was too busy.” but very apologetic. She has been in our department for over 1-1/2 years and still can’t make friends or maybe she doesn’t want to.

    I was obsessing about her as she was getting pretty friendly with me and of course flirting with me and it was causing a lot of anxiety because I am totally attracted to her. I feel that all too familiar sickness in my stomach. I can’t have this woman making plans and then dumping them. I am frustrated and hoping to find out what is going on. I feel like she is another EUP. I want her to just be a closeted lesbian but the red flag is waving so brightly. Her independence is something she prides herself on and that is one big reason I am hesitant to move further on her. She is a mommy and daddy’s girl at age 36 soon to be 37. She clearly does not need anybody and I am scared to let her in. I do not want to be used or abused. If she is a closet lesbian that is one thing but EUP is another. I am going back into therapy to get a better perspective. I am in control and can nip this in the bud before I am in a mess again. My own love addiction problems in the past is making me well aware of the cat mouse dance. I do not want this and I have been trying to wait and see. She eludes to wanting to do stuff and then nothing comes of any of it. I wonder if this is about her latent lesbianism or about being EUP or both. Of course as a med/surg professional she can’t just come out at the work place. I also see a pattern of anger about her need for independence and the description how her folks coddle her. She says she will probably be taking care of them for the rest of her life as she owes them big time. Hmmmmm?

    Help! ) :

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor May 23,2016 7:20 pm

      Thanks for sharing your story. Here are some quick tips in regards to your situation:
      1) LISTEN to YOUR GUT! DON’T make excuses and bypass it. You will regret it and be very disappointed in yourself if you do. If you listen to your gut, you will save yourself from unnecessary pain.
      2) Being “in the closet” is emotionally unavailable because that person is not openly living their real truth- It is still a form of emotional unavailability- This person is not a whole person and cannot provide anything healthy if they are not living in authenticity and truth. Plus, there are actual lesbians out there who know they are lesbians and are not ambivalent and confused about their sexuality. Wouldn’t it be easier to hold out for someone who is comfortable in their own skin and is clear about their sexuality? Wouldn’t it be less of a mystery, challenge, and headache?
      3) The fact that you have so many doubts and anxieties is YOUR GUT signaling a NO GO for this situation.
      4) DO the opposite of what you would normally do and let it go and WORK on tapping into The Lover Within (TLW).
      5) It is good that you are going back to therapy. Good decision. When you do, really try and work with your therapist not so much on the details of these unhealthy encounters (what she or the EUP is doing, or has done) but on the specific childhood wounds you are trying to heal through dealing with and desiring EUPs. Ask questions like: “What are my core beliefs about love and relationships?” “How was love taught to me growing up?” “What messages about love and relationships whee communicated to me while growing up?” “What is/are my dysfunctional pattern/s?”- When you can go into therapy, and get the answers to these questions, I believe your healing from EUPs will begin and you will focus on being in relationships which you create based on healthier values.
      P.S. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT (WHEN YOU DO YOU ARE LOVING YOURSELF). ALSO, ALWAYS KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER!
      Thanks for sharing and reading the LA Blog.

      Best,
      JJM

  28. Reply Jay May 23,2016 6:54 pm

    Per above clarification:

    She has not made any plans with me in past or present but she has with others in the department. She is working on me now. Says she is very interested in things I have mentioned she could do in my town.

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  32. Reply Kappa Aug 8,2017 11:38 am

    This is such a great post! I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
    I came out of a 5 relationship with a “normal” human being and vulnerable as I was I stumbled on a EUP. He was so so supportive, writing everyday to check if I was alright, just being morally there making me feel like I was a special person. You should know this guy’s main focus in life and work is to make the world a better place. Ofc I fell for him. He used to make plans on how we would travel from the first WEEK! of dating, was very affectionate and caring, a cuddler and lovely sensitive man.

    When did it change? He told me he fell for me…from that day on things went completely south. He started travelling, shifting focus on work claiming it to be a very busy time in the month.
    From the very beginning in our relationship he said his life was messy, busy and full of work, and that I should assume responsibility for being in that relationship and have understanding for it, be supportive.

    I said I would be and I was. Until I truly felt the communication go cold. He started writing fewer and fewer, days would pass until he wrote. My mind was constantly focused on this question: “Where did I go wrong??” I would ask him if I did anything to upset him and he would get annoyed because it would make him feel bad.

    Then the communication stopped completely. I was devastated. I questioned myself what I ever did to deserve such treatment, we even met once and he was completely terrified, even looked away pretending not to see me. It hurt more than hell. It almost turned me into a EUP.

    He told me all his traumatic life experiences, so I can pinpoint where this all began and why he is like this. Like every victim, I thought I could fix him. Just like I helped him open up (he never spoke to anyone about these problems, just kept them to himself). He even talked about his barriers and that he was afraid he would never be able to tear them down. Even when I told him I need to know we were okay, he said I should always think that this has nothing to do with me, or with us…that we were ok and that I shouldn’t be upset.

    The thing that hurt the most was seeing a good person so eager to help others struggle with this problem, not wanting to be helped, understood or supported. even if he knew it could have been great and completely different. I guess fear gets the best of EUPs.

    Your blog shed some light onto my situation, helped me get the closure I so desperately needed from him and never got to receive. My family and friends tried many times to make me face the hard truth, but I always thought I could get him to listen, like in the Notebook movie…it just doesn’t work out like in the movies. Sometimes they need to want to be helped and understand that they must be helped.

    Thank you for your post once more.

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