By Javinne J. McCoy
If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard (or experienced) the unrequited love stories and the Love Antics of emotionally unavailable folk and commitment phobic types who profess their love, then pull away or push the object of their ‘love’ away, I wouldn’t be rich, but I sure would have a coffee jar full of pennies.
You know the drill. They pull away, they withdraw, they withhold, and they ask for “space”, all after confessing “love”, or that they are” falling in love” with you. For the recipient it is devastating. You wonder, what did I do wrong for them to take their “love” away?
This almost always happens, after the intense initial courting rituals that the EUP employs in The Beginning stages of dating or the relationship (and I use the word “relationship” very loosey goosey here-because when you are squatting on property in EUPville, you are never in a real, reciprocal, and mutual healthy relationship-it’s all La Fantasia (Fantasy) and a sham).
In The Beginning they are Elmer’s Glue all over you. They may call you from work, call you multiple times a day, call you spontaneously to go out for dinner or desert, have you sleep over multiple times a week, and constantly remind you of their very presence. They shower you with so much interest and attention you are convinced that they might even climb Mount Everest for you. They are so thoughtful. They are so attentive. They are initiating. Etc.
The Beginning can last from a few weeks, to a few months depending on the EUP. The most pernicious of unavailable folk can hold out from Showing Who They Really Are and can take years to reveal their true colors.
Hence, the all too common “I was with him 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10 years and he became a different person. Real T in a situation like this is that, he was actually the same, but he revealed himself over time (we are talking the Narcissist, Jerk, or Jerkette EUP subtypes here- these are the ultimate categories of users, whose masks can take longer to come off, and who lack empathy big time. Actually all unavailable folk have an empathy allergy).
However, typically The Unavailable can’t keep the falsehood fountain running for too long (when you operate from false-self it’s actually energy draining because you have to present different selves to different people). They will often give you a condensed version of a full blown “relationship”, in a relatively short amount of time-rushing intimacy so that they don’t have to experience REAL intimacy.
They are the relationship or dating equivalent of Hurricane Katrina. If you got caught out there in being pumped , primed, and charmed up, you will often have to do major damage control when it all end, and the rug slips you right back on your ass into painful REALITY when you see the REAL THEM.
The unhealthy progression of the EUP Relationship cycle commonly looks something like this:
(Side Note: Some stages overlap, and the progression is not static because EUPS will often engage in behavior and reset at any given stage that is comfortable for them at the time. Also, some people may experience longer or shorter versions of The Beginning, The Middle, and The End depending on the person you are dealing with, their own relationship patterns etc.) The following is just a snap-shot:
The Beginning (Week 1, or Month 1, or Year 1)
They are Uber Intense, charming, seduce, and manipulate their way into heart so that you emotionally invest quickly. We are talking lots of attention, doting over you, calling you multiple times a day from overseas, and lots of other extraordinary displays of attention, affection, and heck, maybe even they roll out a full production of The Pomp and Circumstance Marches dedicated to you. This is the stage which if you get carried away and your head gets majorly gassed up you might even start seeing side by side SUV’s and a house. Slow that roll!
The Middle (Week 2, or Month 2, or Year 2)
The tables are turning and you have become The Chaser or Pursuer. The dynamic of Push-Me-Pull-Me-I am Pushing You Away emerges. The attention stops. They start treating you like grave burden. They start reneging on promises, making less effort, canceling plans, not making any plans, or taking back things they were giving in The Beginning (i.e. attention, affection, consistent phone calls-now they are texting more instead, and taking longer to respond etc.)
The End (Week 3, or Month 3, or Year 3):
The Whooper. They finally withdraw, withhold, discard, or give you a really watered down version of The Beginning- they push for booty call, jump off buds, friends with benefits, wanting to see you less and less, and are all of a sudden okay with you and them dating others. You may even notice a mean streak begining to take harvest and their inner Veruca Salt petulant child rears its ugly head. They get all moody and cranky because they are subconsciously (hell it may even be consciously) pushing you away and getting you ready for the discard (what comes to mind is that bratty girl from Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory? Yea that’s them!).
The cycle of these whirlwind romances can really tap into your deepest insecurities and make you think you did something wrong for them to pull away, mistreat you, and take their ‘love’ away from you etc.
However, you have to STOP making it about YOU because it is really about THEM. Yes, you are responsible for getting caught up in the fantasy. You can and will work on that, ON YOUR OWN TIME, if you choose to. You can do this WITHOUT them.
Right now, you need to find the RIGHT way to go through this. You are dealing with someone who sped you up like Flash Gordon into an effed up relationship deal without concern of the impact this would have on your feelings.
When we are faced with these relationship dynamics we respond in the WORNG way. We end up Trying to Get That Which Was Lost. We will break our backs trying to get back to The Beginning-doing the equivalent of a full blow Ringling Brothers Circus act. Don’t even think about going there!
Our typical reaction is to turn up the heat and volume of our desires, get up all up in their face and sing the Codependent’s version of the Taylor Dayne Song “Prove your Love”.
We start carrying on, screaming , and pleading…
‘Prove my love, got to prove my love, cause’ I want to be with you tonight’ (insert disco and backbeat here).
STOP RIGHT THERE!
This is not the healthy response.
What if there are some Hidden Gems in a situation like this?
….a situation where someone rejects your love, mistreats you, uses you as an emotional buffer to soother their loneliness on their terms, uses you for sex, misrepresents themselves, lies about their “love” for you, leads you on for The Moment, and ultimately doesn’t give a damn about your feelings…..
When someone reels you in by lavish displays of attention and proclamations of love, only to push you away after getting what they want, for The Moment, or only wants to deal with you on their terms, it’s actually an opportunity for you to Show YOU what you are made of, put Your I Love ME More Than You Stilettoes On (or Timberlands on if you’re a dude), and get the steppin’ out of that invalidating situation. Immediately. It’s time to boot and scoot them out of your life! No begging! No pleading! Cut. It. And. Them. Off.
It’s a sign that they didn’t value you, and you now have the opportunity to value you, by walking away. It’s an opportunity to regain control of a situation where there was a major power imbalance- they had control over you and the situation. EUPs are masters at being in control over others. Manipulating someone into believing that you “love” them for their own selfish motivations is a great way to achieve control over another.
You may have felt you didn’t have control (may be you gave your power away). You may have propped this person up on a throne to the dear heavens and actually overvalued them. You may have trusted them (an untrustworthy person). By doing these things with these folk you essentially give up your power.
Use this as an opportunity to take your power back and have control, NOT over them, but control over YOU (but you have to use this opportunity rightly, not to manipulate them , or CUT IT OFF because you secretly want them back- this will come back to haunt you with more pain if you do this; I guarantee it).
When you walk away or Cut It Off, It has to be because you believe in you, and you know you deserve better, and that you are going to take responsibility to create better, instead of forcing better in unavailable relationships with unavailable people.
Creating better is a matter of having healthy boundaries (not too tight, not too firm), being clear about your values (what you want and don’t want), and reprogramming unhealthy love messages and patterns.
When someone pulls this kind of shady ISH and tells you that they are falling in ‘love’ with you or ‘love you’, then dogs you out with mistreatment, uses you, wants things on their terms, withdraws, and withholds love (after gaining your trust), you don’t need to fight for them to give you back the “love” they have taken away or keep looking to The Beginning of the relationship for it.
What you DO need to d0, is step right on their neck, cut it off, discharge them from your life, and walk on to the Yellow Brick Road of Loving Thyself- that’s one of the greatest lessons you can take from this experience. Heed it and use it well!
When someone rejects your love, you must use this opportunity very wisely to acknowledge your own value, so you can overcome the pattern of seeking out validation from unavailable partners.
When we have an unhealthy love template we will approach things with old feelings, old thoughts, and old responses (regression), and convince ourselves that the person who has now rejected us is the key to bringing relief and happiness to these unresolved issues.
If they really loved you, they wouldn’t be so shady to say something so weighty, gain your trust, get you open like a virgin on prom night, and then all of a sudden lose interest in you, discard you, or treat you like a royal pain now in the neck now that they have conquered the “challenge” of gaining your trust.
You may have had this happen in the past or maybe in the present with unavailable folk (reactivation and unhealthy patterns). Our typical response is to think we did something wrong , go returning to unavailable folk attempt to “fix it”, and we engage in the same ole’ unhealthy patterns. We then bash ourselves over our head like we are defective and not lovable. However, it’s time to respond differently so that you stop the cycle of pain.
So, here is what TO DO and DON’T DO in a jacked up situation like this:
DO forget you ever met this guy or gal but DON’T forget the hidden gems (the lessons, the insights, the messages) that this situation is communicating to you. This way you will grow and won’t look to do a repeat with The Same Person Different Package!
- Hidden Gems:
- When someone rejects you and is mistreating you, it’s a sign they’re not valuing you. When this happens, you need to walk. It’s a chance show YOU that YOU value YOU (a byproduct of this, is that you will gain closure on them and the relationship – without a conversation or another “relationship talk” which I am sure you have had many of up to this point)
- When you disengage with their Love Antics , YOU are actually doing the rejecting of them and the relationship Stand up for yourself! Toughen up with these folk! They lack empathy so don’t feel sorry for them. Have empathy for you!
DON’T beg and plead for them to love you back and convince yourself to do stunts and shows to get back to The Beginning-…….don’t seduce them, wear edible underwear to entice them, social media spy on them, text them ever again, or call them incessantly. You will only be breathing more life into their over-inflated ego and have them thinking:
“I am some kind of special. I still got them all on me although I told them I love them, then rejected them, mistreated them, watered down their expectations, manipulated them , used them, dated other people while with them, and high jacked their emotions and made them think I love them. They still want IT after that. I better work ….with my smooth self!”.
DO see this as a wonderful chance to walk away from the spirit of emotional unavailability. By doing this, you are communicating the message that you are no longer available to what is unavailable to you. Remember that little thing called The EUP Cut Off Principle ™? (also known as No Contact). Use it!
DON’T waste your tears on a Jerk or Jerkette who mistreated you in an unhealthy relationship. Save your tears for when you have a healthy relationship with a kind, empathetic, loving, respectful, and caring partner, and the relationship doesn’t work out. This is NOT THEM. No tears for unavailable twits. Trust they are not crying for you! (Okay, we are human, you can have ONE crying episode, maybe two if you must, but then dry those pretty eyes boo boo).
DO get far, far, far, and further away from them (I’m talking like 3,000 miles or more. Ha! Just kidding). Distance facilitates objectivity. With time and space, you will acknowledge the WHOLE person who treated you like garbage and you will stop romanticizing the brief half-assed spurts of “good times” .
DON’T think you had a real relationship. It was all fantasy. The EUP was just presenting you a fake image of love which is a match for your unhealthy love template. In mutual relationships, people take their time with saying things like “I am falling in love with you” because they want to make sure they genuinely meant it, both people show up for it (the relationship) together, both folk have empathy for one another, and both back loving words up with solid action.
DO detach and let go of your own unhealthy habits while you are cutting them off and are away from them (i.e Not too much booze, too much sex, too much of pretty much anything. No hopping right back to an old flame to stem your hurt or gathering bodies in bed). Basically, avoid avoiding and don’t numb your feelings. If you don’t deal with your vices (whatever they are) and self-soothe healthily while you are away from them , you will remain in pain, and then you will convince yourself that the person who caused you pain (them), is the answer to relieving it. NOT SO!
DON’T continue to talk, discuss, and be so loose lipped about them, the relationship etc. to your friends or family, or anyone. You are wasting your breath and time when you could be concentrating on your healing. Trust me the EUP is concentrating on them, who they can use next, who they can exploit next…good thing is that it will no longer be you!
DO understand that the best revenge you can have in a situation like this is to be successful over YOU and heal your unhealthy love patterns, get better boundaries, know your values, and start really loving you. Do the REAL work!
DON’T feel like you need to give them an explanation for walking away. Trust me, if roles were reversed, and they wanted to leave you at any point, they would do it without a care because they lack empathy. You however, have too much empathy for the wrong people. Save your empathy! You don’t owe them a thang!
DO use someone playing games with your heart, rejecting your love, misrepresenting themselves (love faking), and mistreating you, as a wake up call to DO THE RIGHT THING BY YOU, know YOUR VALUE, and demonstrate by your actions that you indeed do deserve better .
DON’T think you are missing out on something so great in them and that they will turn around and give someone a better relationship-if they don’t do their own work, they will bring the same unavailable them to another person.
DON’T create more problems and drama for yourself by obsessing over them. Trump is president- we have enough drama and problems as it is!
In closing, don’t ever allow someone to pull the “I am falling in love with you” con, start suddenly mistreating you , start pushing you away, and start withholding love. Don’t think you did something wrong for them to do this. They are being whack ass hell. Unavailable folk often rush intimacy. That is why they will say “I Love You “ and then ISH hits the fan with games and such foolery.
Intensity is not love, it’s intensity. Some people like the challenge of gaining folks trust – then the intensity high wears off once they get what they want. Your best bet is to respond differently if someone jocks you around like this. If they have pulled away from you after saying “I am falling in love with you”, adopt the same posture as them. Walk away. Cut It OFF. Stop begging. Stop pleading. Real healthy love ain’t that hard. They either step up or step them right on out of your life! If they are pushing you away, you should be pushing them out of your life! You will thank yourself long-term! Trust me on this.
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