Have You Had Your Relationship ‘Aha’ Moment? 16

Have You Had Your Relationship Aha Moment

By Javinne J. McCoy

In previous posts, I mention receiving my “Relationship Aha Moment” (a call to wake up and smell the Unhealthy Relationship Roses).“Mr. Soul Mate Speech” sparked this call to attention.  This wasn’t my first romp with an E.U.P (Emotionally Unavailable Partner); it was the umpteenth.  However,  this experience  was different because I kept my eyes wide open (albeit passively at first) and my feet firmly planted on the ground about my contribution (AND his contribution) to our dysfunctional love escapade. It was clear that I was mistreated, emotionally abused, mislead etc.-but only because I had allowed it. Tough pill!

One of the first “happy” moments we shared was on the Cyclone Roller Coaster at Coney Island (NYC).   My ex wasn’t a fan of roller coasters but indulged my request to ride the coaster with me. After we rode, he purchased a picture of us from the picture booth. The shot was us descending on the second drop of the Cyclone in mid-air. Ironically, this was a prophetic picture of what connected us in our relationship-drama, intensity, excitement, the unknown etc. This is exactly how our relationship unfolded. It was an emotional cyclone of sorts. Roller coasters are fun at first, but if you keep riding them, the high wears off and you can become sick as hell.

Currently, I am six weeks of no contact with my ex (a necessary strategy for exiting the pain of an unhealthy pairing). This time I have decided to stick with it (after eight times of attempting it but failing). It has been hard. However, getting clear about WHY the relationship ended and that it can’t be fixed by my efforts alone (it takes two to tango ), has aided me in shutting down the Unhealthy Relationship Roller coaster. The ride is now closed!

I was under the spell of a long-held unhealthy pattern that I was succumbing to. It wasn’t just my Ex that I was experiencing outrageous Love Antics with; it was ALL of these relationships (same person different package). All of these men were emotional chumps- always dodging responsibility, talking the talk but not walking it, saying grand things “in the name of love”, and being consistent with being inconsistent. I couldn’t chalk it up to misfortune anymore. There was definitely a cycle present. Here are a few tidbits from my “Relationship Aha Moment”:

1.      All of these men were living INAUTHENTIC lives

       I always seemed to choose people who are “semi-out”.  They were not self-affirmed in their sexuality (the issue here is bigger than sexuality). Many were closeted or barely “out”. I mean some of them were so gay you could spot them standing from the planet Mars on a dime (not saying that they were super effeminate but you know a gay man when you see one; no matter how much he tries to “put on”). My ex after twenty seven years had never had sex with females-only males. I mean hello, DING! DING! DING! If that ain’t rooting for the same team, I don’t know what is! I do have compassion for the “coming out process” but when you cannot accept yourself and be your true-self with others; you are inauthentic as a person and will have inauthentic relationships. PERIOD!

        Because I had internalized the deep rooted message of “winning the prize of love”, these situations turned out to be perfect for performing in the Love Olympics (i.e. fighting for them to choose me over their own ambiguity). I was always in a position of begging for them not hide our relationship. I wanted them to accept me, introduce me to their friends, family, and include me in their life. I had to pump my breaks. They hadn’t accepted themselves. How the hell could they accept me? If someone is ambiguous about themselves, they will be ambiguous about you. That ain’t cute! You are not a rainy day option!  I eventually realized, it wasn’t my job to force someone to accept themselves and love me. This brings me to my next point:

2.      You will always come across as emotionally demanding if you are trying to get your reluctant love source to change- instead you should walk away if you find the relationship is not their priority.

I still remember my Ex screaming in my face “…and you know what? You’re emotionally demanding!” This was in response to me trying to “make a case” against him for mistreating me. When he made his statement I silently thought “Ummmmmm…crap, you know what? You’re right!” It clicked that he had nothing more to offer me. He tried his best (which was limited in the first place). I knew I deserved better treatment- he knew it too.  My err, was staying passed the relationships due date- fighting for his love via my crazy Love Antics.

3.      They ALL initially pursued me in what I like to call “a HOT phase”. After the initial “Hot phase” wore off I was the one who was doing the chasing. Initially, I was just not that interested.

If you have ever found yourself thinking “love is about the chase”, when someone pursues you with gusto, you will get caught up in being showered with attention-mistaking this for genuine interest.  Their pursuit will be especially appealing to you if initially  you were “not that interested”. In hindsight, my relationships with E.U.P.’s always began this way. In the beginning stages, we would “kick it” but I would find myself feeling uneasy about them- not “that interested”, sometimes turned-off, could take them or leave them. This was my gut, intuition, inner-self warning me that “something ain’t right”. Eventually, I would convince myself to give them a chance.

As soon as I reciprocated by matching their hot pursuit of me, they would back off, want to just be friends, take some space etc. – turning the tables. That’s when my crazy Love Antics would kick in. I would find myself performing stunts and shows to get their love back (which was never there to begin with). Remember, we are human. Other people have flawed ideas about what love really is too. For some love is about “the chase”. Once they think the mystery is solved, you will be discarded. Sad but true. 

 Ladies (and Gents) if you find yourself thinking the other party must pursue you first for you to be interested and invested, you are setting yourself up for disaster honey! The “pursuit” should be mutual, organic, and reciprocal. If either one of you is doing more of the calling, reaching out, showing consistent interest etc., your relationship scale is imbalanced. 

Isn’t it time that we start examining our contribution in relationships?  Nobody can tell you about you! If you know your pattern, you know what you are dealing with (unless you are living on Illusion Island). If someone is consistently mistreating you, disappointing you, and not being present in the relationship with you, YOU need to change. NOT them!  Emotionally unavailable people are limited in their capacity to change (you will be on hold forever).

If you don’t believe me just check out this season of the Reality Show “Marrying The Game”-featuring the rapper The Game and his “on-hold baby mama” Tiffney Cambridge (I watch as one of my guilty pleasures but also get some great insights). According to reports and her website, she has been dating the Father of her children for 9 years. The show is running Season 2 now. Still no wedding!  Major red flag! No one should DATE for nine years! That is MUCHO being put on-hold in a relationship and a sign of major emotional unavailability. If he liked it, he WOULDA BEEN put a ring on it (said with Beyonce’s siren voice).

If you commit to changing your views about love, get real with YOU, and learn to trust YOU; E.U.P.’s won’t stand a chance in your presence. Not to mention, you won’t be in a position of wasting your time for someone to wake up and smell your value. You should be the one on alert! Have you woken up and smelled your Unhealthy Relationship Roses? When will you experience your “Relationship ‘Aha’ Moment”?  Ever had a break-up which made you wake-up? Your thoughts?

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16 thoughts on “Have You Had Your Relationship ‘Aha’ Moment?

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  4. Reply Sharn Nov 4,2013 9:16 pm

    Wow! Some story.

    I tell you I can’t believe the nerve of some individuals.

    The individual was unsure and afraid of whom he was so it was more his insecurity also, he was concerned about what others will think of his sexuality.
    Truth for truth, No one is perfect though. We all are flawed In Some way.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Nov 4,2013 10:20 pm

      Yes isn’t?. When someone is insecure about themselves they will be insecure about you-great point about insecurity. It was a great learning experience. These types of Love Antic style relationships can be painful but are the perfect opportunity for us to get real, deal with our mess, and grow the hell up-if we heed the lessons. Yes, what you say is true. We are all flawed. Sadly, it is impossible to accept someone’s flaws when they are not taking the steps to at least address them and work toward healing.It is especially problematic when our flaws are quite self-destructive-hurting ourselves,the people we claim to love, and the people who truly love us. Thanks for reading Sharn. Stay empowered and encouraged. Stay tuned for more Love Antics to come. Blessings and Peace. 🙂

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  9. Reply cyn Jun 27,2015 10:29 pm

    Thank you for this blog. I know this is an ancient post, but I’d like to offer my “aha” moment anyway (if that’s cool).

    My boyfriend has been very genuine (or so it seems) about his desire to get married and start a family. I believed he was sincere about this at first, but now I’m thinking it might just be because his mom is pushing for grandchildren; in his words, she sees me as nothing more than a “walking uterus.” I used to think he was joking.

    His mom exhibits a highly dysfunctional pattern of behavior herself, and is definitely an EUP. She’s dating two different guys right now, one of them the man my BF considers his step-father, who has apparently been willing to accept the crumbs off her affection plate for the last twenty years or so. My BF hates the way she treats him, but says he’s starting to sympathize with her dating other men, as his step father isn’t doing what she wants him to. The poor man; after 20 years of this, what’s left of him?

    Anyway, the BF is dealing with a lot right now, trying to finish a degree and working full time in the Army, so I’ve been struggling to parse out what is him and what is the situation. I’m former active duty myself, so I know how bad it can be. But his mom finally cinched it for me last weekend. She called around 9 AM, said she was coming right over (to my apartment, which the BF refers to as “ours”, without my permission and without my BF asking if it was okay), and then proceeded to not show up for nearly three hours. When she did, it was to get my BF to sign off on some financial paperwork for a high risk loan that she had been lying to him (she misrepresented it initially in order to get him to agree to sign it).

    It was about as clear as it gets. He learned this from his mom. It’s not the situation and it’s not stress. I texted him the next day about needing to talk (did I mention he ONLY texts and never lets me go over to his house?) and he, once again, told me I was overreacting.

    Needless to say, his ass is dumped. I just need to figure out how to make that work, since I don’t want him back in MY apartment and I’ve got some of his shit.

    Sorry for the wall of text. This blog is just really cleansing right now. I’d like to think I’m a secure, strong person, but clearly, I’ve got some work to do on myself to make sure I don’t end up in a situation like this again.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Jun 29,2015 6:57 pm

      Thank you for sharing your story and epiphany. I am glad you found some comfort in my blog. We all need a little
      help and assist some times. That doesn’t make you weak at all, it actually makes you very strong-It takes strength to seek
      insight, help, and assistance. Sounds like you made the right decision. Thank you for reading the LA Relationship Blog.

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  13. Reply Tanisha Bryant Aug 15,2017 1:41 pm

    Year 2017 and I have had my AHA moment! Dated a man for 1 year, I broke it off because he never had time for me… saw him on a dating site ( same site where we met ) I had to go.
    10 months later, he begs me to take him back! Apologizing for his ” stupid” behavior, his words.

    2 months later, we’re in the same cycle we were in 1 year earlier! I loved him so I thought, I’ll explain that he needs to do better! Surely, he’ll straighten up.. after all, He begged ME to come back to him! What he said to me was the very light bulb to my ” AHA Moment”
    He said ” No one is forcing you to be with me ”
    Those words are forever etched into my heart. I loved this man, or thought I did… and his words hit me in the face like a bucket of ice water!
    I simply said” You know what, you are absolutely right ”
    I broke it off then.
    He has since tried to contact me, but the way I see it. He was in my life for a reason.. to teach me that 1 truth.
    Now, I value myself just as much as I once valued him.
    This article felt like I was reliving my ” Aha Moment”
    Right now, I am not in a relationship. I would one day like to be in one, but with this realization I know precisely what I want.

    I know what I bring to the table and if a gentleman isn’t interested in what I have to offer… I am not afraid to eat alone.

    • Reply The "Other" Love Doctor Nov 17,2017 7:01 pm

      Congrats! I am glad you woke up and smelled the Unhealthy. It is the best feeling when you encounter that moment of clarity. Good for you! Keep valuing you and you will open the door for someone to reflect the same!

      Best,
      JJM

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