By Javinne J. McCoy
LONG POST ALERT! You know I like to write here on the L.A Relationship Blog. HaHa! So Get your tea, coffee, sit back, relax, read, and set YOU free with the empowering story, suggestions, and insights I am about to impart into your life via this latest post. This post builds a foundation before one can take the necessary steps to initiate and stick to a breakup plan of action when they are struggling to let go of an E.U.P or emotionally unavailable relationship.
Recently, a L.A. blog reader stumbled across the L.A. Relationship Blog and immediately found herself knee-deep in truth as she read the post entitled “The Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Date: 10 signs and Sayings”-It resonated with her relationship situation immediately (and just so happens to be one of the top looked at post on L.A). She immediately felt suspicious that her new guy is at heart an E.U.P.
He made eerily similar statements to her, as outlined in the translations of E.U.P speak I provided in points 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9 of that particular post (click here for the post). In her comments, she made this statement “The more I read your articles, the more it feels useless to say anything to my E.U.P.” Well, I have to say, Yamkei (the reader’s name), baby gurl, you are on the right track honey (hint, hint)!
At the end of her comment she signed off with the following burning question:
“What’s the best way to breakup with an E.U.P?”
You will notice that the on the L.A Blog, a lot of my posts and style of writing about the E.U.P poor relationship phenomenon is geared toward, providing insight into the dynamics of these kind of unhealthy relationships, providing insight into the mind of E.U.P’s, providing insight into dysfunctional love/relationship dynamics, inspiring the motivation to dig deep into one’s own self (to reframe our cognitive distortions and misappropriated messages about this thang called love), and inspiring folk to move the focus from all the hell and pain that you may have endured with an E.U.P (or narcissistic chump), bring the focus off of the E.U.P, and back to YOU-thereby doing the REAL INNER work to CHANGE one’s INNER MAN.
With all that said, I will very rarely write a “how to” article because what has worked for me, may not work for you, and you may not be strong enough (not yet anyway) to go through my formula. I know I wasn’t strong enough to let go of my E.U.P until I was good and darn well ready-despite the well-meaning advice of friends and family. I made the change when I was READY to clean my own dirty closet that use to keep in storage a litany of crappy relationships with E.U.P’s (the pain was too much it was do or die) .
I have seen a lot blogs in my niche that offer “how tos” and advice on how to breakup, cut contact, and “get on with it”. The truth is, formulaic approaches do not always work and you might think that I am Cuckoo for Coco Puffs if I share with you the radical (but healthy) things I personally did to finally let go of my former E.U.P (Mr. SMS-Soul Mate Speech). Remember Him? (chuckle).
How did I finally breakup with my E.U.P? I really fought hard for my healing. I went through the gamut and pulled out all of the stops because I was in emotional and spiritual crises. I took specific days to pray and fast (abstained from food to break the spiritual and emotional soul-tie I had with my former E.U.P-Mr. SMS), I journaled and wrote like heck, stayed home on certain days didn’t watch TV or talk on the phone, fasted, prayed, cried out to MY GOD, looked for my love lessons, looked for my life lessons, and started the Loveantics Relationship Blog. I was not playing. I wanted to heal FOR REAL THIS TIME.
I knew the answer wasn’t in hopping into another relationship, sticking around any longer begging him to care enough for the relationship, getting itchy to immediately date every man alive to avoid my feelings, or find another man to temporarily buffer the pain that Mr. SMS caused me (Besides, I knew he was already back on the horse, having internet trysts with random men as soon as we split, and I wanted to deal differently than he was dealing with our breakup, FOR MY OWN benefit.)
I knew that if I didn’t take such a drastic approach, I was going to spiritually and emotionally die. I know me pretty darn well. So I got radical. Do I suggest that others implement what I did to breakup with their E.U.P? No, Not if you don’t have that level of faith, discipline and spiritual consecration (awareness of the spiritual realm and how to tap into it for healing and deliverance from emotional, spiritual and mental pain via separating yourself from carnal worldly things for a time). Or maybe your beliefs about God and spiritual things are entirely different from mine.
However, I know that Yamkei (and many other readers) just want some darn plain answers. So how do you to break it off, get out of the cycle, and move the heck on from the elusive and frustrating dealings, pain, and damage that the emotionally unavailable partner (man or woman) can leave you with? For the sake of addressing Yamkei’s concerns this two part post will be a “how to” on how to breakup with an E.U.P (emotional unavailable partner/person).
I will write a suggested E.U.P Risk Assessment and Breakup Treatment Plan ™ based on the reader, Yamkei’s situation as she described in her email (anyone who is pondering how to breakup with and E.U.P but struggling to implement a plan of action, can use what I outline for Yamkei as a guide)
First, let’s assess the dynamics of Yamkei’s current relationship. In her email, she so bravely and courageously shared the following:
“What’s written in 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9 above, describes exactly what I’ve been going through with my new guy since February. He said almost exactly what’s written in #1, 2, 3 when he came to my house for the first time. He said he has an emotional connection with someone else and only wants an intellectual connection with me now as if a healthy person could separate emotional, intellectual and physical intimacies into three clear-cut ways. It feels like he is a prisoner in his own prison and is afraid to come out of the cell, even though, an opportunity for true happiness is out there in the real world. It’s been taking me so long to decide when I’m ready to let go of him…After a month-long (or short) of intense affectionate actions and conversations he quickly reduced me to a lunch companion one afternoon. It’s been like that for the last two months. My emotional pain threshold is reaching to the limit. I know I deserve better. I have so much to offer, but he doesn’t want most of what I want to share with him. Particularly the emotional connection. Yet I agreed to meet him again today. It’s just for lunch… I said to myself. I really feel like a puppy waiting her master’s call and don’t like to feel and be treated that way. How do I make a breakup? Do I just not answer his email or phone call? I used to write him long letters to express my feelings for him. Maybe he didn’t give a damn. The more I read your articles the more it feels useless to say anything to E.U.P. I still feel like saying something to him, but will he listen? Probably not. What’s the best way to breakup with an E.U.P.?” (to read the post she is referring to you can click here)
I want to point out one thing, notice how Yamkei knows that something just ain’t right. She feels it in her gut. The signs are there. She hints at knowing that she deserves better but is still torn in between-hanging around like a love sick puppy or letting go and high-heel-stepping over the pain, drama, and disappointment that her E.U.P will eventually give her as cruel gift (if she keeps engaging with his LESS-THAN-self). Yamkei you are a smart woman, you know you deserve better GURL! (This is the first step-awareness).
In my opinion the best way to breakup with an emotional unavailable partner is to CUT IT OFF. I like to call it The E.U.P Cut Off Principle™ (many others call it No Contact). In short, The E.U.P Cut Off Principle ™ goes something like this:
a) Cut their supply
b) Give no reaction
c) Give no Supply
When you give them NO SUPPLY, You are making it clear that you are no longer a source of supply for the E.U.P. Let them get their selfish one-sided needs met elsewhere. Your candy shop is now closed! No emails, Facebook snooping, social media stalking, accepting their calls, texts, love letters, flowers, gifts, cards, candy, sex, kisses…No snooping or sniffing them up or inviting them to snoop and sniff your whereabouts. You get the point!
But before one can apply The E.U.P Cut Off Principle ™, one needs to understand the risk of the situation, the truth of the situation, the information that is already being provided to you about the situation, what your priorities need to be based on the information being provided and the assessed risk factors, develop a plan of action, and create support for your decision to breakup with an emotionally unavailable partner/person/man/woman etc.
You can begin to set the breakup with your E.U.P in motion by doing an E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory and Breakup Treatment Plan ™. It is quite similar to what someone who has a substance abuse or dependence disorder would have to have created for them while they’re in treatment, after, they have made the decision to be abstinent and adopt a sobriety-centered life style. The difference here is that the addictive disorder being assessed with The E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory and Breakup Treatment Plan ™ is that of unhealthy love relationships-not a particular drug. The unhealthy relationship is the toxic substance of choice.
Stay tuned for “What is The Best Way to Breakup with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner (E.U.P) Part 2”, where I will map out an E.U.P Risk Assessment Inventory and Breakup Treatment Plan ™ based on the reader’s above question. Yamkei hang in there. Help is on the way in part 2.
Please share your thoughts, comments, and stories. Do you have a topic or a question on emotionally unavailable relationships that you would like addressed on the L.A. Blog? Please feel free to email: email@example.com