By Javinne J. McCoy
Have you ever found yourself engaging in the same crazy patterns in life? Maybe the characters have changed but it is still the same script; maybe the external has changed a bit for you but your internal programming remains the same. The years have passed. You have gotten older. You may have made new friends, embarked upon a new career, graduated from school, etc. With the rise and popularity of Reality TV, we are presented with seemingly successful characters that appear to “have it all together”- they have the nicest cars, homes, career opportunities, and seem to be solely about “getting that green money”.
You know what? Some actually DO have the external together (emphasis on the word external). However, many are putting the cart before the horse, only to discover, that the quality of their relationships (with themselves and others) is a crap shoot.
They are progressing externally yes; but the nature of their relationship with themselves and others often remains the same- superficial, disconnected, full of drama, pain, and disappointment. I have even heard successful people I know say things like “I am a great catch. I have a great career. I am very successful. I don’t understand why my relationships suck”. This can be attributed to people doing things ass backwards (as human nature is so prone to do).
(Sidebar: Being industrious and having an externally successful career or vocation doesn’t automatically qualify you to have healthy, fulfilling, and successful relationships. Having a healthy successful relationship requires an entirely different set of internal emotional tools. You must do the inner work and dig deep to be an emotionally healthy and available person. This has nothing to do with your ability to get your next best paying gig (If it did, than the high divorce/breakup rate of successful celebrities would be non-existent).
What is really going on here? Well in short, it seems as if people are NOT doing the REAL internal work in their personal lives and just want to ascend immediately to experience The Glory of Life’s Peaks-big checks, nice apartments, nice cars, career accomplishments etc. They will neglect the quality of their relationship with themselves and others on a never ending pursuit of external success.
Some actually skip doing the internal work entirely but manage to get all of the trappings of external success, and later (maybe years and years later) have very big falls, going damn near insane, because they are not learning the true lessons of personal growth which life has purposed for everyone to learn. Keep this in mind:
You can’t cheat life’s universal laws and lessons. You can try. You may even be able to fool yourself and people about your true internal state (for a while); but in the end your demons will come back to bite you in the ass, if you don’t DEAL with them.
You can’t cheat life’s universal laws and lessons. You can try. Yes, you can fool yourself and people for a while (and you may be able to initially “get away” with doing the internal work by short circuiting the process), but in the end your demons will come back to bite you in the ass. If “Fake it, till’ you make it” is a life motto you subscribe to, then you may fall prey to eventually experiencing a swift kick in your neck by the cosmos somewhere down the line-The kick will bring you to your knees to meet the duo: TRUTH and REALITY.
If you keep trying to short circuit life’s universal laws, you will engage yourself in insanity by experiencing different versions of the same script in your life. Sure the people may change around you, your circumstances might even change, but your experience will remain THE SAME (and your demons will always make sure to reappear like a nightmare) if you do not begin to GET REAL. This paragraph easily unfolds into the first Life Lesson on the list:
Life Lesson #1
If you don’t deal with your problems, your problems will deal with you
You can run but you can’t hide. Life will keep presenting you with the same annoying and painful lessons (which will reappear like a bad horror movie sequel)-until you learn the lesson. The lessons are actually life’s way of testing you. Life will test you through circumstances and people.
Ever found yourself in a relationship where you thought “Gosh! This is the same person different package”? This is all too common in emotionally unavailable relationships. You will usually choose different variations of the same person whom is incapable of connecting emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically with you-until you choose and learn more healthy love habits.
Next time you find yourself experiencing your version of The Tale of Unrequited Love or Why is This Happening to Me Again?, ask yourself; ” What lessons am I overlooking that need to be learned?” Could you be trusting untrustworthy people (expecting them to be loyal and honest)? Are you doing things to constantly earn love by working too hard to prove your love? What is your pattern? Look for it, find the lesson. Are you ready to GROW?
If it doesn’t feel right, it probably ain’t right
All too often, people fail to trust that inner voice which signals that a situation or person you are embarking upon is inauthentic, is shady, all about the hype, has no substance, and is a just not good for you. For example, if you want a relationship where you are made a priority; why are you choosing someone who always acts Busier than Beyoncé?
If you want friends who are reliable, why do you hold on to friends who consistently disappoint you? Most of the time when something just doesn’t settle right in your inner gut/spirit, the lesson is, that you NEED to learn how to trust yourself. Don’t ever be in the position to have to say to YOURSELF “I Told You So!”
If you feel you are being treated unfairly, you probably are
If you feel you are being treated unfairly in your relationships; you probably are damn right! It is not your imagination. Emotionally unavailable people have a perfection complex and rarely offer an authentic apology regarding the pain they have caused you. When one apologizes it is an admission that they are not perfect and have some work to do in order to grow. That is the point of a true apology-to bring two people closer by accepting responsibility in the relationship.
Emotionally unavailable people could give two craps about this-they wear a T-shirt inscribed with the logo Perfect Peter or Perfect Patty. E.U.P’s always dodge responsibility and accountability because they are often trying to protect a false-self; they feel that the REAL them is flawed too deeply to be put on display.
Often, we will stay connected to family, friends, and lovers whom wouldn’t know how to consistently treat someone with respect even if a Decency Anvil fell on their head-knocking them unconscious. Make a swift exit when you are being treated poorly by any person or in any situation. Your power lies in making the decision to leave because you are not being treated with value.
People always tell you and show you who they REALLY are; you just have to listen.
Boy, if I had a quarter for every time someone spilled the beans to me about how confused, emotionally unavailable, lost, unreliable, and mean/nasty, they really were as a person; I would be able to pay my monthly bills. Sometimes people will expose who they are inadvertently, and sometimes it will be so obvious that it smacks you in your face. Here is a list of my favorite things that Exes in my emotionally unavailable relationships have said which I wish I had taken at face value:
1) “I am not always such a nice person” (Guess who said this? Yup, you guessed it. Mr. SMS)
2) “Yes, I said you are my Soul Mate, but I am still trying to figure that out” (Just look at the confused ass mess of a contradictory statement this is)
3)” I am emotionally unavailable” (So clear cut)
4) “I don’t want to hurt you” (read: you are being set up to be hurt)
5) “I can live with you or without you” (translation: I don’t give an Eff bout’ you)
6) “I can’t give you what you need” (This is soooo clear-cut. If someone says this, please listen.)
7) “I can’t believe you are with me and want me”
(Translation: This one is a bit inadvertent but if you listen closely; you will hear the message. The REAL message when someone says this is, “Why the hell, would you, out of all people, want to be with me. I don’t feel I deserve anything good. I don’t view myself as worthy of someone as good as you wanting me.” Often, this is exactly what a person is thinking on a subconscious level when they make this kind of statement.
If you get with someone who “can’t believe you are with them” and are “too good for them”; they will make sure to prove these messages right. They will do everything in their power to put you in a position where you have to reject them because they don’t feel worthy (you will often wind up rejecting them because they treat you badly and are pushing you away- which they will never admit to because remember, they are “perfect”).
Believe who people say they are. Sometimes you have to dig deep for the deeper meaning of their words; but it is there if you look hard enough.
Real authentic success is an inside job and has NOTHING to do with the acquisition of money, fame, power, or career eminence.
There are many people that I like to refer to as “successful messes”, whom I either know or have been directly involved with. They seem to have a knack for accomplishing the greatest career achievements, getting the best cars, houses, and apartments, but their personal lives and relationships are often shot to hell.
The overall lesson I have learned from their lives is this: You had better get your internal-self aligned authentically before (or while) you seek to improve your external state. I suggest watching the movie Gia (starring Angelina Jolie). All of the fame in the world (via her modeling talent) did not help deal with her REAL deep rooted issues of loneliness, dependency, and addiction.
There is nothing wrong with aspiring to be successful, or wealthy, and adopting habits that will aid you in achieving external success. However, if your chief motivation is to gain some sort of worth from people or things outside of yourself so you can prove “I made it”; you are doomed because your definition is outside of yourself.
What happens if you are tested by life and have to lose your status, money, fame, or power? Can you tolerate the thought of losing your acquisitions? If not, you will hold on to superficial “things” at all costs and be susceptible to destroying important relationships and yourself in the process. You have to get to a place where you can survive with or without the “thing” you are coveting in life. This is true success and leads to life mastery and peace.
Also, keep in mind that, if your main values are focused on attaining career success or external “things” so you can be happy and make others happy; the basis for all of your relationships will be SUPERFICIAL and lack true depth. People will only be around you for what you have achieved and NOT who you are as a person. Don’t believe it? Try living your self-definition through your money, achievements, and “what you do”, and tell me how loved and peaceful you REALLY feel at the end of the day.
One step in becoming more emotionally available as a person is to commit to stepping into reality, commit to real change, and do the real internal work that is required to heal your life. Sure you can attempt to rush out of life’s valleys, avoid the lessons, jump from relationship to relationship (bringing the same issues, beliefs and baggage ), convince yourself that all you need is this elusive idea of “success” to be “happy”, but in the end you will only be fooling yourself.
Life’s Peaks or high-points are great to experience. However, they last longer, have more meaning, and have more value, when you are experiencing them from your truest authentic self (that has surrendered its defenses-this enables you to become a more emotionally healthy/available individual). Are you learning your life lessons? What have been some of the reoccurring patterns that you wish to change? Or are you avoiding the Real T (Truth) about your life story? Please comment and share.